Letter 231: 1. You requested an answer from me as a proof that I had gladly received your letter. Behold, then, I write again; and yet I cannot express the pleasure I felt, either by this answer or by any other, whether I write briefly or at the utmost length, for neither by few words nor by many is it possible for me to express to you what words can never ...

Augustine to Darius, greetings. You have sent me another letter, and this one asks about my Confessions. You want to know: did I really do all those things? Was I really that lost? Yes. Every word of it is true. I stole pears I did not want, for the sheer pleasure of stealing. I kept a mistress for years and fathered a child by her. I devoted my best years to the Manichaean heresy — nine years of my life given to a lie that I was too proud to examine and too lazy to abandon. I pursued worldly ambition with an energy I should have given to God. I delayed my conversion not because I doubted the truth but because I did not want to give up my pleasures. I wrote it all down because I believe that the truth about ourselves is the beginning of the truth about God. A man who cannot face his own past cannot face his own savior. And a man who presents himself to the world as better than he is has already built a wall between himself and grace. The Confessions were not written to shock. They were written to praise. Every sin I committed reveals, by contrast, the mercy that forgave it. Every wrong turn I took reveals, by contrast, the hand that redirected me. The story of my life is not, in the end, the story of my wandering. It is the story of God's patient pursuit of a man who was determined to run in the wrong direction. "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." I wrote that at the beginning of the Confessions, and it remains the truest thing I have ever said. Everything else — every chapter, every confession, every prayer — is a footnote to that one sentence. Farewell, dear friend.

Letter 231 (A.D. 429) To Darius, His Son, and a Member of Christ, Augustine, a Servant of Christ and of the Members of Christ, Sends Greeting in the Lord. 1. You requested an answer from me as a proof that I had gladly received your letter. Behold, then, I write again; and yet I cannot express the pleasure I felt, either by this answer or by any other, whether I write briefly or at the utmost length, for neither by few words nor by many is it possible for me to express to you what words can never express. I, indeed, am not eloquent, though ready in speech; but I could by no means allow any man, however eloquent, even though he could see as well into my mind as I do myself, to do that which is beyond my own power, viz. to describe in a letter, however able and however long, the effect which your epistle had on my mind. It remains, then, for me so to express to you what you wished to know, that you may understand as being in my words that which they do not express. What, then, shall I say? That I was delighted with your letter, exceedingly delighted — the repetition of this word is not a mere repetition, but, as it were, a perpetual affirmation; because it was impossible to be always saying it, therefore it has been at least once repeated, for in this way perhaps my feelings may be expressed. 2. If some one inquire here what after all delighted me so exceedingly in your letter —Was it its eloquence? I will answer, No; and he, perhaps, will reply, Was it, then, the praises bestowed on yourself? but again I will reply, No; and I shall reply thus not because these things are not in that letter, for the eloquence in it is so great that it is very clearly evident that you are naturally endowed with the highest talents, and that you have been most carefully educated; and your letter is undeniably full of my praises. Some one then may say, Do not these things delight you? Yes, truly, for my heart is not, as the poet says, of horn, so that I should either not observe these things or observe them without delight. These things do delight; but what have these things to do with that with which I said I was highly delighted? Your eloquence delights me since it is at once genial in sentiment and dignified in expression; and though assuredly I am not delighted with all sorts of praise from all sorts of persons, but only with such praises as you have thought me worthy of, and only coming from those who are such as you are — that is, from persons who, for Christ's sake, love His servants, I cannot deny that I am delighted with the praises bestowed upon me in your letter. 3. Thoughtful and experienced men will be at no loss as to the opinion which they should form of Themistocles (if I remember the name rightly), who, having refused at a banquet to play on the lyre, a thing which the distinguished and learned men of Greece were accustomed to do, and having been on that account regarded as uneducated, was asked, when he expressed his contempt for that sort of amusement, What, then, does it delight you to hear? and is reported to have answered: My own praises. Thoughtful and experienced men will readily see with what design and in what sense these words must have been used by him, or must be understood by them, if they are to believe that he uttered them; for he was in the affairs of this world a most remarkable man, as may be illustrated by the answer which he gave when he was further pressed with the question: What, then, do you know? I know, he replied, how to make a small republic great. As to the thirst for praise spoken of by Ennius in the words: All men greatly desire to be praised, I am of opinion that it is partly to be approved of, partly guarded against. For as, on the one hand, we should vehemently desire the truth, which is undoubtedly to be eagerly sought after as alone worthy of praise, even though it be not praised: so, on the other hand, we must carefully shun the vanity which readily insinuates itself along with praise from men: and this vanity is present in the mind when either the things which are worthy of praise are not reckoned worth having unless the man be praised for them by his fellow-men, or things on account of possessing which any man wishes to be much praised are deserving either of small praise, or it may be of severe censure. Hence Horace, a more careful observer than Ennius, says: Is fame your passion? Wisdom's powerful charm if thrice read over shall its power disarm. 4. Thus the poet thought that the malady arising from the love of human praise, which was thoroughly attacked with his satire, was to be charmed away by words of healing power. The great Teacher has accordingly taught us by His apostle, that we ought not to do good with a view to be praised by men, that is, we ought not to make the praises of men the motive for our well-doing; and yet, for the sake of men themselves, He teaches us to seek their approbation. For when good men are praised, the praise does not benefit those on whom it is bestowed, but those who bestowed it. For to the good, so far as they are themselves concerned, it is enough that they are good; but those are to be congratulated whose interest it is to imitate the good when the good are praised by them, since they thus show that the persons whom they sincerely praise are persons whose conduct they appreciate. The apostle says in a certain place, If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ; Galatians 1:10 and the same apostle says in another place, I please all men in all things, and adds the reason, Not seeking my own profit, but the profit of many, that they may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10:33 Behold what he sought in the praise of men, as it is declared in these words: Finally, my brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which you have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. Philippians 4:8-9 All the other things which I have named above, he summed up under the name of Virtue, saying, If there be any virtue; but the definition which he subjoined, Whatsoever things are of good report, he followed up by another suitable word, If there be any praise. What the apostle says, then, in the first of these passages, If I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ, is to be understood as if he said, If the good things which I do were done by me with human praise as my motive, if I were puffed up with the love of praise, I should not be the servant of Christ. The apostle, then, wished to please all men, and rejoiced in pleasing them, not that he might himself be inflated with their praises, but that he being praised might build them up in Christ. Why, then, should it not delight me to be praised by you, since you are too good a man to speak insincerely, and you bestow your praise on things which you love, and which it is profitable and wholesome to love, even though they be not in me? This, moreover, does not benefit you alone, but also me. For if they are not in me, it is good for me that I am put to the blush, and am made to burn with desire to possess them. And in regard to anything in your praise which I recognise as in my possession, I rejoice that I possess it, and that such things are loved by you, and that I am loved for their sake. And in regard to those things which I do not recognise as belonging to me, I not only desire to obtain them, that I may possess them for myself, but also that those who love me sincerely may not always be mistaken in praising me for them. 5. Behold how many things I have said, and still I have not yet spoken of that in your letter which delighted me more than your eloquence, and far more than the praises you bestowed on me. What do you think, O excellent man, that this can be? It is that I have acquired the friendship of so distinguished a man as you are, and that without having even seen you; if, indeed, I ought to speak of one as unseen whose soul I have seen in his own letters, though I have not seen his body. In which letters I rest my opinion concerning you on my own knowledge, and not, as formerly, on the testimony of my brethren. For what your character was I had already heard, but how you stood affected to me I knew not until now. From this, your friendship to me, I doubt not that even the praises bestowed on me, which give me pleasure for a reason about which I have already said enough, will much more abundantly benefit the Church of Christ, since the fact that you possess, and study, and love, and commend my labours in defense of the gospel against the remnant of impious idolaters, secures for me a wider influence in these writings in proportion to the high position which you occupy; for, illustrious yourself, you insensibly shed a lustre upon them. You, being celebrated, give celebrity to them, and wherever you shall see that the circulation of them might do good, you will not suffer them to remain altogether unknown. If you ask me how I know this, my reply is, that such is the impression concerning you produced on me by reading your letters. Herein you will now see how great delight your letter could impart to me, for if your opinion of me be favourable, you are aware how great delight is given to me by gain to the cause of Christ. Moreover, when you tell me concerning yourself that, although, as you say, you belong to a family which not for one or two generations, but even to remote ancestors, has been known as able to accept the doctrine of Christ, you have nevertheless been aided by my writings against the Gentile rites so to understand these as you never had done before, can I esteem it a small matter how great benefit our writings, commended and circulated by you, may confer upon others, and to how many and how illustrious persons your testimony may bring them, and how easily and profitably through these persons they may reach others? Or, reflecting on this, can the joy diffused in my heart be small or moderate in degree? 6. Since, then, I cannot in words express how great delight I have received from your letter, I have spoken of the reason why it delighted me, and may that which I am unable adequately to utter on this subject I leave to you to conjecture. Accept, then, my son — accept, O excellent man, Christian not by outward profession merely, but by Christian love— accept, I say, the books containing my Confessions, which you desired to have. In these behold me, that you may not praise me beyond what I am; in these believe what is said of me, not by others, but by myself; in these contemplate me, and see what I have been in myself, by myself; and if anything in me please you, join me, because of it, in praising Him to whom, and not to myself, I desire praise to be given. For He has made us, and not we ourselves; indeed, we had destroyed ourselves, but He who made us has made us anew. When, however, you find me in these books, pray for me that I may not fail, but be perfected. Pray, my son; pray. I feel what I say; I know what I ask. Let it not seem to you a thing unbecoming, and, as it were, beyond your merits. You will defraud me of a great help if you do not do so. Let not only you yourself, but all also who by your testimony shall come to love me, pray for me. Tell them that I have entreated this, and if you think highly of us, consider that we command what we have asked; in any case, whether as granting a request or obeying a command, pray for us. Read the Divine Scriptures, and you will find that the apostles themselves, the leaders of Christ's flock, requested this from their sons, or enjoined it on their hearers. I certainly, since you ask it of me, will do this for you as far as I can. He sees this who is the Hearer of prayer, and who saw that I prayed for you before you asked me; but let this proof of love be reciprocated by you. We are placed over you; you are the flock of God. Consider and see that our dangers are greater than yours, and pray for us, for this becomes both us and you, that we may give a good account of you to the Chief Shepherd and Head over us all, and may escape both from the trials of this world and its allurements, which are still more dangerous, except when the peace of this world has the effect for which the apostle has directed us to pray, That we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. 1 Timothy 2:2 For if godliness and honesty be wanting, what is a quiet and peaceful exemption from the evils of the world but an occasion either of inviting men to enter, or assisting men to follow, a course of self-indulgence and perdition? Do you, then, ask for us what we ask for you, that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty. Let us ask this for each other wherever you are and wherever we are, for He whose we are is everywhere present. 7. I have sent you also other books which you did not ask, that I might not rigidly restrict myself to what you asked:— my works on Faith in Things Unseen, on Patience, on Continence, on Providence, and a large work on Faith, Hope, and Charity. If, while you are in Africa, you shall read all these, either send your opinion of them to me, or let it be sent to some place whence it may be sent us by my lord and brother Aurelius, though wherever you shall be we hope to have letters from you; and do you expect letters from us as long as we are able. I most gratefully received the things you sent to me, in which you deigned to aid me both in regard to my bodily health, since you desire me to be free from the hindrance of sickness in devoting my time to God, and in regard to my library, that I may have the means to procure new books and repair the old. May God recompense you, both in the present life and in that to come, with those favours which He has prepared for such as He has willed you to be. I request you now to salute again for me, as before, the pledge of peace entrusted to you, very dear to both of us.

EPISTOLA 231 Scripta post superiorem. A. Dario declarans se multum ipsius litteris delectatum (nn. 1-2), multa obiter de humanae laudis amore disserens (nn. 3-4), et nuncians se ipsi mittere Confessionum libros aliosque divulgandos ut quam plurimis prosint (nn. 5-6). A. denique gratias refert de medicamentis et subsidiis pro bibliotheca collatis (n. 7). AUGUSTINUS SERVUS CHRISTI MEMBRORUMQUE CHRISTI, DARIO FILIO MEMBRO CHRISTI, IN IPSO SALUTEM. Gaudet se accepisse litteras amici. 1. Quod acceperim libenter litteras tuas, mea rescripta indicio esse voluisti. Ecce rescribo, et tamen rescriptis hoc indicare non possum, vel istis, vel quibuslibet aliis, sive breviter, sive prolixissime scribam: neque enim aut paucis aut multis verbis indicari potest quod indicari verbis non potest. Et ego quidem parum eloquor, etsi multum loquar: sed nulli eloquenti omnino concesserim, ut qualicumque et quantacumque epistola sua affectum explicet, quem fecit in me tua, quod non possum ego, etsi eum possit ita in animo meo videre sicut ego. Restat ergo sic tibi indicare quod scire voluisti, ut in verbis meis, et quod non indicant, sentias. Quid igitur dicam, nisi delectatum me esse litteris tuis, delectatum valde valde? Repetitio verbi huius, non est repetitio, sed quasi perpetua dictio: quia fieri non posset, ut semper diceretur, ideo factum est ut saltem repeteretur; sic enim fortasse dici potest, quod dici non potest. Quibus laudibus permulceatur. 2. Hic si quaerat aliquis, quid me tandem in tuis tam valde litteris delectaverit; utrum eloquium? respondebo, "Non": et ille forsitan respondebit: "Ergo laudes tuae"; sed de his quoque respondebo, "Non": nec ideo, quia non sint ista in illa epistola; nam et eloquium ibi tantum est, ut et optimo te natum ingenio, et talibus disciplinis satis eruditum praeclarissime luceat, et prorsus plena est meis laudibus. "Ergone, ait quispiam, non te ista delectant?". Imo vero. Neque enim mihi, ut ait quidam, cornea fibra est 1, ut haec non sentiam, vel sine delectatione sentiam. Delectant et ista; sed ad illud quo me valde dixi esse delectatum, quid sunt ista? Nam eloquium tuum me delectat, quoniam graviter suave est, vel suaviter grave: meis autem laudibus, cum profecto nec omnibus delecter, nec ab omnibus, sed eis qualibus me dignum esse arbitratus es, et ab eis qualis es, id est qui propter Christum diligunt servos eius; etiam laudibus meis me delectatum in litteris tuis negare non possum. Themistoclis vanitas. 3. Viderint graves et periti viri quid de illo Themistocle sentiant, si tamen hominis nomen verum recolo, qui cum in epulis, quod clari et eruditi Graeciae facere solebant, canere fidibus recusasset, et ob hoc indoctior haberetur, totumque illud iucunditatis genus aspernatus esset; dictum illi est: Quid ergo audire te delectat? Ad quod ille respondisse fertur: Laudes meas. Viderint ergo quo fine et qua intentione illud dixisse crediderint, vel ipse qua dixerit. Erat enim secundum hoc saeculum vir magnificus. Nam etiam cum ei dictum fuisset: Quid igitur nosti? Rempublicam, inquit, ex parva magnam facere 2. Ego autem quod ait Ennius: Omnes mortales sese laudari exoptant 3, partim puto approbandum, partim cavendum. Ut enim appetenda est veritas, quae procul dubio est, etiamsi non laudetur, sola laudabilis; sic etiam ea, quae facile subrepit, vanitas in hominum laude fugienda est: haec est autem, vel cum ipsa bona, quae laudatione digna sunt, non putantur habenda, nisi laudetur ab hominibus homo; vel ea quoque vult in se multum quisque laudari, quae aut exigua laude, aut etiam vituperatione digniora sunt. Unde Horatius Ennio vigilantior ait: Laudis amore tumes? Sunt certa piacula, quae te Ter pure lecto poterunt recreare libello 4. Paulus de humanis laudibus. 4. Ita tumorem de amore laudis humanae, velut serpentis morsum medicinalibus verbis quasi excantandum putavit. Docuit itaque nos per Apostolum suum Magister bonus, neque propterea nos recte facere, ut laudemur ab hominibus, id est, finem recti nostri non in hominum laudibus ponere; et tamen propter ipsos homines quaerere laudes hominum 5. Etenim cum laudantur boni, non laudatis, sed laudantibus prodest. Nam illis, quantum ad ipsos attinet, quod boni sunt sufficit: sed eis, quibus expedit imitari bonos, gratulandum est, cum ab eis laudantur boni; quoniam sic indicant eos sibi placere, quos veraciter laudant. Dicit ergo Apostolus quodam loco: Si hominibus placerem, Christi servus non essem 6: et idem dicit alio loco: Placete omnibus per omnia, sicut et ego omnibus per omnia placeo; sed adiungens causam, non quaerens quod mihi utile est, sed quod multis, ut salvi fiant 7. Ecce quid quaerebat in laude hominum, ubi etiam dicebat: De caetero, fratres, quaecumque sunt vera, quaecumque pudica, quaecumque casta, quaecumque sancta, quaecumque carissima, quaecumque bonae famae, si qua virtus, si qua laus, haec cogitate: quae didicistis, et accepistis, et audistis et vidistis in me, haec agite; et Deus pacis erit vobiscum 8. Caetera igitur, quae supra commemoravi, virtutis nomine amplexus est, dicens, si qua virtus: illud autem quod subiecit, quaecumque bonae famae, alio uno verbo congruo prosecutus est dicendo, si qua laus. Quod itaque ait: Si hominibus placerem, Christi servus non essem, sic utique accipiendum tamquam dixerit: "Si bona quae facio, fine laudis humanae facerem, laudis amore tumescerem". Volebat ergo Apostolus placere omnibus, et eis placere gaudebat, non quorum laudibus tumescebat in seipso, sed quos laudatus aedificabat in Christo. Cur ergo me non delectet laudari abs te, cum et vir bonus sis ne me fallas, et ea laudes quae ames, et quae amare utile ac salubre est, etiamsi non sint in me? neque hoc tibi tantum, sed etiam mihi prodest. Si enim non sunt in me, salubriter erubesco, atque ut sint inardesco. Ac per quod agnosco mea in laude tua, gaudeo me habere, et abs te illa ac meipsum diligi propter illa: quae autem non agnosco, non solum ut ipse habeam, desidero consequi, verum etiam ne semper in mea laude fallantur, qui me sinceriter diligunt. Augustini opuscola per Darium diffusa permultos adiutura. 5. Ecce quam multa dixi, et quid sit illud quod me longe amplius eloquio tuo, longe amplius laudibus meis in tuis litteris delectavit, non adhuc dixi. Quid autem putas esse, o bone homo, nisi quod te talem virum, et non visum feci amicum; si tamen non visum dicere debeo, cuius non corpus, sed animam in ipsis tuis litteris vidi, ubi de te, non sicut antea fratribus meis, sed mihi credidi? Quis enim esses iam quidem acceperam, sed qualis erga me esses, nondum tenebam. Ex hac amicitia tua etiam laudes meas, quae me quo fine delectent satis dixi, multo uberius Ecclesiae Christi non dubito profuturas; quandoquidem etiam labores meos in defensione Evangelii adversus reliquias impiorum daemonicolarum sic habes, sic legis, sic amas, sic praedicas, ut in eis tanto fiam notior, quanto es ipse nobilior: eos enim latenter illustris illustras, clarusque declaras, et ubi prodesse posse perspicies, ignorari omnino non sines. Si unde id sciam quaeris: talis mihi apparuisti in litteris tuis. Hinc iam vide quantum me illae litterae delectare potuerint: si bene de me existimas, cogitas quantum me Christi lucra delectent. Iamvero quod te ipsum, qui, ut scribis: "a parentibus, ab avis, et postrema usque gentis prole Christi iura percipere potuisti" 9, tamen adversus gentiles ritus, ut numquam alias, eisdem laboribus meis adiutum esse significas; parumne cogito quantum boni aliis, et quam multis, quam claris, et quam facile, quamque salubriter per illos caeteris quibus talia conveniunt, possint scripta nostra te commendante atque disseminante conferre? aut hoc cogitans possumne parvorum vel mediocrium gaudiorum iucunditate perfundi? Confessiones sui animi speculum esse. 6. Quia igitur non potui verbis explicare quantam delectationem de tuis litteris ceperim, unde me delectaverint, dixi: iam quod nequivi satis dicere, id est, quantum delectaverint, tibi coniciendum relinquo. Sume itaque, mi fili, sume, vir bone et non in superficie, sed in christiana caritate christiane; sume, inquam, libros, quos desiderasti, Confessionum mearum: ibi me inspice, ne me laudes ultra quam sum; ibi non aliis de me crede, sed mihi; ibi me attende, et vide quid fuerim in meipso, per meipsum; et si quid in me tibi placuerit, lauda ibi mecum, quem laudari volui de me; neque enim me. Quoniam ipse fecit nos, et non ipsi nos 10; nos autem perdideramus nos, sed qui fecit, refecit. Cum autem ibi me inveneris, ora pro me ne deficiam, sed perficiar; ora fili, ora. Sentio quid dicam, scio quid petam; non tibi videatur indignum, et quasi ultra merita tua: fraudabis me magno adiutorio, si non feceris. Non solum tu, sed etiam omnes qui ex ore tuo dilexerint, orate pro me: hoc eis me petivisse indica, et si multum nobis tribuitis, iussisse nos existimate quod petimus, et tamen date petentibus, vel obtemperate iubentibus. Orate pro nobis. Lege Litteras divinas, et invenies ipsos arietes nostros Apostolos petiisse hoc a filiis suis, sive praecepisse auditoribus suis. Ego certe quoniam hoc a me petiisti pro te, quantum faciam, videt qui exaudiat, qui videbat quia et ante faciebam: sed redde etiam in hac re dilectionis vicem. Praepositi vestri sumus; grex Dei estis 11: considerate et videte pericula nostra maiora esse quam vestra, et orate pro nobis. Hoc enim et nobis condecet et vobis, ut bonam rationem de vobis reddamus pastorum principi et omnium nostrum capiti 12, pariterque evadamus huius mundi periculosiores blanditias quam molestias, nisi cum pax eius ad hoc proficit, quod Apostolus orare nos monuit, ut quietam vitam et tranquillam agamus in omni pietate et caritate 13. Si enim desit pietas et caritas, quid est ab illis et a caeteris mundi malis tranquillitas et quies, nisi luxuriae perditionisque materies, sive invitamentum, sive adiumentum? Ut ergo habeamus quietam et tranquillam vitam in omni pietate et caritate, quod oro pro vobis, orate pro nobis, ubicumque estis, ubicumque sumus nusquam enim non est, cuius sumus. A. gratus pro medicamentis aliisque subsidiis. 7. Misi et alios libros quos non petisti, ne hoc tantummodo facerem quod petisti; de Fide rerum quae non videntur, de Patientia, de Continentia, de Providentia, et unum grandem de Fide et Spe et Caritate. Hos omnes si dum es intra Africam legeris, iudicium tuum mitte de illis; aut mitte nobis, aut quo nobis a domino sene Aurelio mittatur, ibi dimitte: quamquam et ubicumque fueris speramus inde litteras tuas, et hinc tu, dum possumus, nostras. Suscepi gratissime quae misisti; ubi et salutem meam quamvis corporalem, quoniam vis me utique sine impedimento malae valetudinis Deo vacare, et bibliothecam nostram, ut sint unde libri vel parentur vel reparentur, adiuvare dignatus es. Rependat tibi Dominus et hic et in futuro saeculo bona, quae talibus qualem te esse voluit, praeparavit 14. Pignus pacis apud te depositum, nostrumque utrique dulcissimum, sicut ante a me salutari, ita nunc resalutari peto.