Letter 201

What is to happen to me? Who is there more ill-starred, or even more humiliated? Antony says he has received orders about me definitely. Yet I have not seen him myself so far; but he told Trebatius. What can I do now? Nothing succeeds and all my best laid plans fail abominably. For, when I had won over Curio, I imagined I had attained my end. He had written about me to Hortensius. Reginus was wholly my friend. I never suspected that Antony had anything to do with this part of the sea. Whither can I turn now? Everywhere I am watched. But enough of lamentation. I must steal away and creep privily into some cargo boat; I must not allow it to appear that I connive at being hindered. I must go to Sicily. If I once get there, I shall have greater ends in view. If only all goes well in Spain! However, I do hope the news about Sicily may prove true! Hitherto I have had no luck. It is said the Sicilians have gathered round Cato, prayed him to resist and promised every support: and that he has been induced to begin making a levy. I don't believe it, good as the authority is. I know for a fact that that province could have been held. But we shall soon hear from Spain. Here I have C. Marcellus, who holds the same views as myself or makes a good pretence of doing so. I have not indeed met him myself; but I hear it from one of his most intimate friends. Write to me, if you have any news. If I attempt anything, I shall inform you at once. Young Quintus I shall handle adhibebo. Utinam proficere possim! Tu tamen eas epistulas, quibus asperius de eo scripsi, aliquando concerpito, ne quando quid emanet; ego item tuas. Servium exspecto, nec ab eo quicquam ὑγιές. Scies, quicquid erit. Undoubtedly I must admit I have been mistaken. But is it once only or on one topic? No, in everything. The more carefully I have thought, the less wisely have I done. "Let bygones be bygones." In the future only let us not invite disaster. You bid me provide for my journey. What can I provide? All the possible accidents are so obvious, that, if I would shun them, I must sit still in shame and grief: and, if I disregard them, it is odds that I fall into the hands of villains. But see how miserable I am. Sometimes it seems preferable that I should receive some damage however bitter from Caesar's party, that people may see I am hated by the tyrant. But, if the voyage for which I hoped were open to me, certainly, as you wish and advise, I should have done something to justify delay. But I am watched with extraordinary care and even Curio is suspect. So I must make a bold move or use craft. If a bold move, I need good weather: but, if craft, should there be any _faux pas_, you see how disgraced I should be. I am carried away by circumstances and must not be afraid of a bold course. Iliad xvii, 112, "But what is past though grieved we will let be." De Caelio saepe mecum agito nec, si quid habuero tale, dimittam. Hispanias spero firmas esse. Massiliensium factum cum ipsum per se luculentum est, tum mihi argumento est recte esse in Hispaniis. Minus enim auderent, si aliter esset, et scirent; nam et vicini et diligentes sunt. Odium autem recte animadvertis significatum in theatro. Legiones etiam has, quas in Italia assumpsit, alienissimas esse video. Sed tamen nihil inimicius quam sibi ipse. Illud recte times, ne ruat. Si desperarit, certe ruet. Quo magis efficiendum aliquid est, fortuna velim meliore, animo Caeliano. Sed primum quidque. Quod qualecumque erit, continuo scies. Nos iuveni, ut rogas, suppeditabimus et Peloponnesum ipsam sustinebimus. Est enim indoles, modo aliquod hoc sit ἦθος ΑΚΙΜΟΑΟΝ. Quod si adhuc nullum est, esse tamen potest, aut ἀρετὴ non est διδακτόν, quod mihi persuaderi non potest. _The text here is corrupt and no convincing emendation has been suggested._

[1] adventus Philotimi (at cuius hominis, quam insulsi et quam saepe pro Pompeio mentientis!) exanimavit omnis qui mecum erant; nam ipse obdurui. dubitabat nostrum nemo quin Caesar itinera repressisset—volare dicitur; Petreius cum Afranio coniunxisset (se)—nihil adfert eius modi. quid quaeris? etiam illud erat persuasum, Pompeium cum magnis copiis iter in Germaniam per Illyricum fecisse; id enim authentikos nuntiabatur. Melitam igitur opinor capessamus, dum quid in Hispania. quod quidem prope modum videor ex Caesaris litteris voluntate facere posse, qui negat neque honestius neque tutius mihi quicquam esse quam ab omni contentione abesse. [2] dices, 'Vbi ergo tuus ille animus quem proximis litteris?' adest et idem est; sed utinam meo solum capite decernerem! lacrimae meorum me interdum molliunt precantium ut de Hispaniis exspectemus. M. Caeli quidem epistulam scriptam miserabiliter, cum hoc idem obsecraret ut exspectarem, ne fortunas meas, ne unicum filium, ne meos omnis tam temere proderem, non sine magno fletu legerunt pueri nostri; etsi meus quidem est fortior eoque ipso vehementius commovet nec quicquam nisi de dignatione laborat. Melitam igitur, deinde quo videbitur. [3] tu tamen etiam nunc mihi aliquid litterarum et maxime si quid ab Afranio. ego si cum Antonio locutus ero, scribam ad te quid actum sit. ero tamen in credendo, ut mones, cautus; nam occultandi ratio cum difficilis tum etiam periculosa est. Servium exspecto ad Nonas, et adigit ita Postumia et Servius Flius. quartanam leviorem esse gaudeo. misi ad te Caeli etiam litterarum exemplum.