Letter 219

I am much obliged to you for your letter, in which you have recorded carefully everything you think concerns me. So you say that they approve both of my actions, and of my keeping my lictors, as Sestius is allowed to keep his: though in his case I think it is not so much a question of being allowed to keep sit; cui non puto suos esse concessos, sed ad ipso datos. Audio enim eum ea senatus consulta improbare, quae post discessum tribunorum facta sunt. Quare poterit, si volet sibi constare, nostros lictores comprobare, Quamquam quid ego de lictoribus, qui paene ex Italia decedere sim iussus? Nam ad me misit Antonius exemplum Caesaris ad se litterarum, in quibus erat se audisse Catonem et L. Metellum in Italiam venisse, Romae ut essent palam. Id sibi non placere, ne qui motus ex eo fierent; prohiberique omnes Italia, nisi quorum ipse causam cognovisset; deque eo vehementius erat scriptum. Itaque Antonius petebat a me per litteras, ut sibi ignoscerem; facere se non posse, quin iis litteris pareret. Tum ad eum misi L. Lamiam, qui demonstraret illum Dolabellae dixisse, ut ad me scriberet, ut in Italiam quam primum venirem; eius me litteris venisse. Tum ille edixit ita, ut me exciperet et Laelium nominatim. Quod sane nollem; poterat enim sine nomine res ipsa excipi. O multas et graves offensiones! quas quidem tu das operam ut lenias, nec tamen nihil proficis, quin hoc ipso minuis dolorem meum, quod, ut minuas, tam valde laboras; idque velim ne gravere quam saepissime facere. Maxime autem adsequere, quod vis, si me adduxeris, ut existimem me bonorum iudicium non funditus perdidisse. Quamquam quid tu in eo potes? Nihil scilicet. Sed, si quid res dabit tibi facultatis, id me maxima consolari poterit; quod nunc quidem them as of their being assigned to him by Caesar himself. For I am told he repudiates all the decrees of the Senate which were passed after the departure of the tribunes. So, if he wants to be consistent, he will be able to approve my lictors. However, what is the use of talking about lictors, when I have almost been ordered to leave Italy. For Antony has sent me a copy of a letter from Caesar, in which he said he had heard that Cato and L. Metellus had come to Italy and intended to live openly at Rome: that he did not like, for fear it might cause some disturbance: and that none may enter Italy, until he has himself investigated their case. He put the point very strongly. So Antony wrote asking my pardon, and saying he could not help obeying the letter. Then I sent L. Lamia to him to point out that Caesar had told Dolabella to write and tell me to come to Italy as soon as possible: and that it was on the strength of that letter that I had come. Then Antony issued an edict excepting myself and Laelius by name. I wish he had not done that: he might have made an exception without mentioning names. What a heap of troubles and how serious too! And you are doing your best to make them lighter, and with some success--indeed that you try so hard to relieve me is some relief in itself. I hope you won't find it a burden to do so as often as possible. But you will succeed in your object best, if you can convince me that I have not entirely lost the good opinion of the loyal party. Yet what can you do in that matter? Nothing of course. But, if anything gives a chance, that is what will best console me. I see that at present it is impossible: video non esse, sed, si quid ex eventis, ut hoc nunc accidit. Dicebar debuisse cum Pompeio proficisci. Exitus illius minuit eius officii praetermissi reprehensionem. Sed ex omnibus nihil magis tamem desideratur, quam quod in Africam non ierim. Iudicio hoc sum usus, non esse barbaris auxiliis fallacissimae gentis rem publicam defendendam, praesertim contra exercitum saepe victorem, Non probant fortasse; multos enim viros bonos in Africam venisse audio et scio fuisse antea. Valde hoc loco urgeor. Hic quoque opus est casu, ut aliqui sint ex eis, aut, si potest, omnes qui salutem anteponant. Nam, si perseverant et obtinent, quid nobis futurum sit, vides. Dices: "Quid illis, si victi erunt?" Honestior est plaga. Haec me excruciant. Sulpici autem consilium non scripsisti cur meo non anteponeres. Quod etsi non tam gloriosum est quam Catonis, tamen et periculo vacuum est et dolore. Extremum est eorum, qui in Achaia sunt. Ei tamen ipsi se hoc melius habent quam nos, quod et multi sunt uno in loco, et, cum in Italiam venerint, domum statim venerint. Haec tu perge, ut facis, mitigare et probare quam plurimis. Quod te excusas, ego vero et tuas causas nosco et mea interesse puto te istic esse, vel ut cum eis, quibus oportebit, agas, quae erunt agenda de nobis, but if anything does turns up, as in this present case. It used to be said that I ought to have gone with Pompey: but now his death tends to absolve me from blame for neglecting my duty in that case. But where I am thought to have been most lacking is in not going to Africa. My view was that barbarian auxiliaries drawn from a most deceitful race were not the proper persons to defend the State, especially against an army which had won so many victories. That view may not meet with approval; for I hear that many patriots have arrived in Africa, and I know there were some there before. This is a point that really bothers me: and here again I must trust to luck, that there may be some of them, or, if such a thing is possible, all of them, who put safety first. For, if they hold fast and succeed, you can see what a position I shall be in. You will say "How about it, if they are defeated?" That is a more honourable blow. This is what tortures me. However, you have not told me why you do not prefer Sulpicius' policy to mine. It may not be so glorious as Cato's: but it is at any rate free from danger and regret. The last case is that of those who stayed in Achaia. Even they are in a better position than I am, because there are many of them together, and, when they do come to Italy, they will go straight home. Please continue your efforts to ameliorate my position and to win over as many people as possible to approval. You explain why you do not come. Yes, I know your reasons and think it is to my interest that you should stay where you are, for one thing that you may be able to carry out any necessary negotiations about me with the proper persons, as you have done. ut ea, quae egisti. In primisque hoc velim animadvertas. Multos esse arbitror, qui ad Caesarem detulerint delaturive sint me aut paenitere consilli mei aut non probare, quae fiant. Quorum etsi utrumque verum est, tamen ab illis dicitur animo a me alienato, non quo ita esse perspexerint. Sed totum in eo est, ut hoc Balbus sustineat et Oppius, et eorum crebis litteris illius voluntas erga me confirmetur. Et hoc plane ut fiat, diligentiam adhibeis. Alterum est, cur te nolim discedere, quod scribis Tulliam te flagitare. O rem miseram! quid scribam aut quid velim? Breve faciam, lacrimae enim se subito profunderunt. Tibi permitto, tu consule; tantum vide, ne hoc tempore isti obesse aliquid possit. Ignosce, obsecro te. Non possum prae fletu et dolore diutius in hoc loco commorari. Tantum dicam, nihil mihi gratius esse, quam quod eam diligis. Quod litteras, quibus putas opus esse, curas dandas, facis commode. Quintum filium vidi qui Sami vidisset, patrem Sicyone. Quorum deprecatio est facilis. Utinam illi qui prius illum viderent, me apud eum velint adiutum tantum, quantum ego illos vellem, si quid possem! Quod rogas, ut in bonam partem accipiam, si qua sint in tuis litteris, quae me mordeant, ego vero in optimam, teque rogo, ut aperte, quem ad modum facis, scribas ad me omnia idque facias quam saepissime. Vale XIIII K. Ian. And in the first place I should like to call your attention to this point. I think there are many who have reported or will report to Caesar either that I am repenting of my policy or that I do not approve of recent events. Though both are true, they say it out of spite against me, not because they have seen it to be so. Everything rests on the support of Balbus and Oppius, and on their confirming Caesar's good will to me by sending him frequent letters. Please do your best to bring this about. The other reason why I prefer you not to leave is that you say Tullia begs for your assistance. What a misfortune? What can I say? What can I even wish? I will cut the matter short, for tears spring to my eyes at once. I give you a free hand: do you look to it. Only take care that nothing is done under the present circumstances to offend the great man. I crave your pardon. Tears and sorrow prevent me from dwelling any longer on this topic. I will only add that nothing makes me feel more grateful to you than your love for her. You are quite right to send letters for me to anyone to whom you think it necessary. I have met a man who saw young Quintus at Samos and his father at Sicyon. They will easily obtain their pardon. I only hope, that, as they will see Caesar first, they will think fit to further my case with him, as much as I should have furthered theirs, if I had been able. You ask me to take it in good part, if there is anything in your letters that wounds my feelings. I promise you to take it in the best possible part, and I beg you to write everything quite openly, as you do, and to do so as often as possible. Farewell. Dec. 17.

[1] sollicitum esse te cum de tuis communibusque fortunis tum maxime de me ac de dolore meo sentio. qui quidem meus dolor non modo non minuitur cum socium sibi adiungit dolorem tuum sed etiam augetur. omnino pro tua prudentia sentis qua consolatione levari maxime possim. probas enim meum consilium negasque mihi quicquam tali tempore potius faciendum fuisse. addis etiam (quod etsi mihi levius est quam tuum iudicium, tamen non est leve) ceteris quoque, id est qui pondus habeant, factum nostrum probari. id si ita putarem, levius dolerem. [2] 'crede' inquis 'mihi.' credo equidem sed scio quam cupias minui dolorem meum. me discessisse ab armis numquam paenituit. tanta erat in illis crudelitas, tanta cum barbaris gentibus coniunctio ut non nominatim sed generatim proscriptio esset informata, ut iam omnium iudicio constitutum esset omnium vestrum bona praedam esse illius victoriae. 'vestrum' plane dico; numquam enim de te ipso nisi crudelissime cogitatum est. qua re voluntatis me meae numquam paenitebit, consili paenitet. in oppido aliquo mallem resedisse quoad accerserer; minus sermonis subissem, minus accepissem doloris, ipsum hoc me non angeret. Brundisi iacere in omnis partis est molestum. propius accedere, ut suades, quo modo sine lictoribus quos populus dedit possum? qui mihi incolumi adimi non possunt. quos ego non paulisper cum bacillis in turbam conieci ad oppidum accedens ne quis impetus militum fieret. recipio tempore me domo te nunc. [3] ad Oppium (et Balbum scripsi) [et] quonam iis placeret modo propius accedere ut hac de re considerarent. credo fore auctores. sic enim recipiunt, Caesari non modo de conservanda sed etiam de augenda mea dignitate curae fore, meque hortantur ut magno animo sim, ut omnia summa sperem. ea spondent, confirmant. quae quidem mihi exploratiora essent, si remansissem. sed ingero praeterita; vide, quaeso, igitur ea quae restant et explora cum istis et, si putabis opus esse et si istis placebit, quo magis factum nostrum Caesar probet quasi de suorum sententia factum, adhibeantur Trebonius, Pansa, si qui alii, scribantque ad Caesarem me quicquid fecerim de sua sententia fecisse. [4] Tulliae meae morbus et imbecillitas corporis me exanimat. quam tibi intellego magnae curae esse, quod est mihi gratissimum. [5] de Pompei exitu mihi dubium numquam fuit. tanta enim desperatio rerum eius omnium regum et populorum animos occuparat ut quocumque venisset hoc putarem futurum. non possum eius casum non dolere; hominem enim integrum et castum et gravem cognovi. [6] de Fannio consoler te? perniciosa loquebatur de mansione tua. L. vero Lentulus Hortensi domum sibi et Caesaris hortos et Baias desponderat. omnino haec eodem modo ex hac parte fiunt, nisi quod illud erat infinitum. omnes enim qui in Italia manserant hostium numero habebantur. sed velim haec aliquando solutiore animo. Quintum fratrem audio profectum in Asiam ut deprecaretur. de filio nihil audivi; sed quaere ex Diochare Caesaris liberto quem ego non vidi, qui istas Alexandrea litteras attulit. is dicitur vidisse Quintum euntem an iam in Asia. tuas litteras prout res postulat exspecto. quas velim cures quam primum ad me perferendas. iiii K. Decembr.