Letter 221

I have certainly acted incautiously, as you say, and more hastily than I should; and I have no hope seeing that I am tied here by the special clause in the edict. If that had not been inserted by your own kind efforts, I might have gone to some lonely retreat. Now not even that is open to me. How does it help me that I came before the tribunes entered on office, when my coming at all does not help? And what have I now to hope from a man who never was friendly with me, when my ruin and humiliation is secured even by law? Balbus' letters to me are becoming daily cooler, and it may be he receives dozens against me. My own fault is my ruin. Fortune has brought no ills upon me: I have brought them all on my own head. For when I saw what kind of war it was going to be, one side unprepared and weak and the other thoroughly well prepared, I had made my plan--not a very courageous plan perhaps, but one for which there were special excuses in my case. I gave way to my relations, or rather I obeyed them. What the real feelings of one of them were--the one for whom you speak--you will know from the letters he has sent to you and to others. I should never have opened them, had it not been for the following circumstance. A packet was brought to me. I undid it to see if there was any letter for me. There was none; but one for Vatinius and another for Ligurius. Those I had statim ardentes dolore venerunt scelus hominis clamantes; epistulas mihi legerunt plenas omnium in me probrorum. Hic Ligurius furere. "Se enim scire summo illum in odio fuisse Caesari. Illum tamen non modo favisse, sed etiam tantam illi pecuniam dedisse honoris mei causa." Hoc ego dolore accepto volui scire, quid scripsisset ad ceteros; ipsi enim illi putavi perniciosum fore, si eius hoc tantum scelus percrebruisset. Cognovi eiusdem generis. Ad te misi. Quas si putabis illi ipsi utile esse reddi, reddes. Nil me laedet. Nam, quod resignatae sunt, habet, opinor, eius signum Pomponia. Hac ille acerbitate initio navigationis cum usus esset, tanto me dolore adfecit, ut postea iacuerim, neque nunc tam pro se quam contra me laborare dicitur. Ita omnibus rebus urgeor; quas sustinere vix possum vel plane nullo modo possum. Quibus in miseriis una est pro omnibus, quod istam miseram patrimonio, fortuna omni spoliatam relinquam. Quare te, ut polliceris, videre plane velim. Alium enim, cui illam commendem, habeo neminem, quoniam matri quoque eadem intellexi esse parata quae mihi. Sed, si me non offendes, satis tamen habeto commendatam, patruumque in ea, quantum poteris, mitigato. Haec ad te die natali meo scripsi. Quo utinam susceptus non essem, aut ne quid ex eadem matre postea natum esset! Plura scribere fletu prohibeor. sent to them. They came to me at once boiling with indignation and crying shame on him, and they read me letters full of all kinds of abuse of myself. Then Ligurius burst out with fury, "to his certain knowledge Caesar detested Quintus and had favoured him and given him all that money out of compliment to me." After this blow I wanted to know what he had said to the others: for I thought it would be disastrous to his own reputation if such a scandal got abroad. I found they were all of a piece, and have sent them to you. If you think it will do him any good to have them delivered, have them delivered. It won't do me any harm. Though the seals are broken, I think Pomponia has his signet. When, at the beginning of our voyage, he adopted this bitter tone, I was so upset that I was prostrated afterwards; and now he is said to be working against me rather than for himself. So I am weighed down by such a heavy burden of griefs that I can hardly bear up under it; indeed, I cannot possibly bear up under it. And among all my miseries there is one that outweighs all the rest--that I shall leave that poor girl deprived of her patrimony and penniless. So I hope you will fulfil your promise and look after her. I have no one else to entrust her to, for I hear that her mother is threatened with the same fate as myself. If you do not find me here, take this as sufficient injunction as regards her, and soften her uncle towards her as far as you can. Tullia. This I am writing on my birthday. Would that I had been left to die on the day of my birth, or that my mother had never had another child. Tears prevent me from writing more.

[1] quantis curis conficiar etsi profecto vides, tamen cognosces ex Lepta et Trebatio. maximas poenas pendo temeritatis meae quam tu prudentiam mihi videri vis; neque te deterreo quo minus id disputes scribasque ad me quam saepissime. non nihil enim me levant tuae litterae hoc tempore. per eos qui nostra causa volunt valentque apud illum diligentissime contendas opus est, per Balbum et Oppium maxime, ut de me scribant quam diligentissime. oppugnamur enim, ut audio, et a praesentibus quibusdam et per litteras. Iis ita est occurrendum ut rei magnitudo postulat. [2] Fufius est illic, mihi inimicissimus. Quintus misit filium non solum sui deprecatorem sed etiam accusatorem mei. dictitat se a me apud Caesarem oppugnari, quod refellit Caesar ipse omnesque eius amici. neque vero desistit, ubicumque est, omnia in me maledicta conferre. nihil mihi umquam tam incredibile accidit, nihil in his malis tam acerbum. qui ex ipso audissent cum Sicyone palam multis audientibus loqueretur nefaria quaedam, ad me pertulerunt. Nosti genus, etiam expertus es fortasse. in me id est omne conversum. sed augeo commemorando dolorem et facio etiam tibi. qua re ad illud redeo. cura ut huius rei causa dedita opera mittat aliquem Balbus. ad quos videbitur velim cures litteras meo nomine. vale. xiii Kal. Ian.