Letter 227

Since you give good reasons why I cannot see you at the present time, pray consider what I am to do. For although Caesar holds Alexandria, he seems to be ashamed even to send a dispatch about it, while the others are apparently on the eve of coming here from Africa, and those in Achaia too are either going to return from Asia to join them or they are going to stop in some neutral place. So what do you think I am to do? I see advice is difficult. For I am the one and only person--except perhaps one other, who cannot return to the one party and who has no hope at all offered him from the other. Still I should like to know what you think: and that was one reason, among others, why I should have liked to see you, if it were possible. I told you before that Minucius has only paid £100. Please see that the rest is provided. Quintus in his letter instead of an earnest appeal used the most bitter language, and his son showed extraordinary animosity. There is no conceivable ill 12,000 sesterces. potest mali, quo non urgear. Omnia tamen sunt faciliora quam peccati dolor, qui et maximus est et aeternus. Cuius peccati si socios essem habiturus ego, quos putavi, tamen esset ea consolatio tenuis. Sed habet aliorum omnium ratio exitum, mea nullum. Alii capti, alii interclusi non veniunt in dubium de voluntate, eo minus scilicet, cum se expedierint et una esse coeperint. Ei autem ipsi, qui sua voluntate ad Fufium venerunt, nihil possunt nisi timidi existimari. Multi autem sunt, qui, quocumque modo ad illos se recipere volent, recipientur. Quo minus debes mirari non posse me tanto dolori resistere. Solius enim meum peccatum corrigi non potest et fortasse Laeli. Sed quid me id levat? Nam C. quidem Cassium aiunt consilium Alexandream eundi mutavisse. Haec ad te scribo, non ut queas tu demere sollicitudinem, sed ut cognoscam, ecquid tu ad ea adferas, quae me conficiunt; ad quae gener accedit et cetera, quae fletu reprimor ne scribam. Quin etiam Aesopi filius me excruciat. Prorsus nihil abest, quin sim miserrimus. Sed ad primum revertor, quid putes faciendum, occultene aliquo propius veniendum an queas tu demere _M_ (_margin_): quem tuam demere _M_. with which I am not oppressed. But all of them are lighter to bear than my sense of guilt: that is overwhelming and enduring. If I were to have those, whom I thought I had, to share that guilt, that would still be some consolation, though a poor one. But every one else's case admits of some way out, mine of none. Some were captured, some cut off, so there is no doubt about their intentions, especially since they have extricated themselves and joined forces again. Nay even those, who of their own free will came to Fufius, can only be thought cowards. But there are many who will be taken back, however they choose to take themselves back to the fold. So you ought not to be surprised that I cannot bear up against all my sorrow. For I am the one and only person whose slip cannot be mended, except perhaps Laelius--and what good is that?--for they say even C. Cassius has changed his mind about going to Alexandria. Q. Fufius Calenus was appointed governor of Greece after Pharsalia by Caesar, and many Pompeians surrendered to him. This I am writing to you not in the hope that you may remove my care, but to know whether you have any suggestion to make about the things that are wearing me out: to the rest you may add my son-in-law and other things which tears prevent me from writing. Why, even Aesopus' son grieves me sorely. There is absolutely nothing wanting to make me the most miserable of men. But I return to the first point. What do you think I ought to do, come secretly Aesopus was a famous tragic actor and a friend of Cicero. His son was dissolute and supposed to have a bad influence on Dolabella. mare transeundum. Nam hic maneri diutius non potest. De Fufidianis quare nihil potuit confici? Genus enim condicionis eius modi fuit, in quo non solet esse controversia, cum ea pars, quae videtur esse minor, licitatione expleri posset. Hoc ego non sine causa quaero. Suspicor enim coheredes dubiam nostram causam putare et eo rem in integro esse malle. Vale. Pr. Idus Maias.

[1] non me offendit veritas litterarum tuarum quod me cum communibus tum praecipuis malis oppressum ne incipis quidem, ut solebas, consolari faterisque id fieri iam non posse. nec enim ea sunt quae erant antea cum, ut nihil aliud, comites me et socios habere putabam. omnes enim Achaici deprecatores itemque in Asia quibus non erat ignotum, etiam quibus erat, in Africam dicuntur navigaturi. ita praeter Laelium neminem habeo culpae socium; qui tamen hoc meliore in causa est quod iam est receptus. [2] de me autem non dubito quin ad Balbum et ad Oppium scripserit; a quibus, si quid esset laetius, certior factus essem, tecum etiam essent locuti. quibuscum tu de hoc ipso conloquare velim et ad me quid tibi responderint scribas, non quod ab isto salus data quicquam habitura sit firmitudinis, sed tamen aliquid consuli et prospici poterit. etsi omnium conspectum horreo, praesertim hoc genero, tamen in tantis malis quid aliud velim non reperio. [3] Quintus pergit, ut ad me et Pansa scripsit et Hirtius, isque item Africam petere cum ceteris dicitur. ad Minucium Tarentum scribam et tuas litteras mittam; ad te scribam num quid egerim. HS x_x_x_ potuisse mirarer, nisi multa de Fufidianis praediis. et advideo tamen exspecto ; quem videre, si ullo modo potest (poscit enim res), pervelim. iam extremum concluditur; ibi facile est, quod quale sit hic gravius existimare. vale.