Letter 228

It is not my fault at the present time (for I did commit an error before) that the letter you send does not give me any consolation. For it is grudgingly written, and raises great suspicion that it is not by Caesar: I expect you noticed that too. About going to meet him I will do as you advise. For no one thinks he is coming, and those who come from Asia say there has been no word of peace: and it was hope of a peace that led me into this error. A letter purporting to come from Caesar, but later found to be a forgery. I see nothing to make me think of hope, especially now that that blow has fallen in Asia, in Illyricum, in the Cassian affair, in Alexandria itself, in Rome and in Italy. For my part, even if he is on his return--whereas Cicero alludes to the defeat of Domitius Calvinus in Asia, the failure of Aulus Gabinius in Illyricum, the insurrection of Baetica, which forced Cassius to leave the province, Caesar's difficulties at Alexandria, the riots in Rome, and the mutinous state of the army in Italy. bellum gerere dicitur, tamen ante reditum eius negotium confectum iri puto. Quod autem scribis quandam laetitiam bonorum esse commotam, ut sit auditum de litteris, tu quidem nihil praetermittis in quo putes aliquid solacii esse, sed ego non adducor quemquam bonum ullam salutem putare mihi tanti fuisse, ut eam peterem ab illo, et eo minus, quod huius consilii iam ne socium quidem habeo quemquam. Qui in Asia sunt, rerum exitum exspectant, Achaici etiam Fufio spem deprecationis afferunt. Horum et timor idem fuit primo qui meus et constitutum; mora Alexandrina causam illorum correxit, meam evertit. Quam ob rem idem a te nunc peto quod superioribus litteris, ut, si quid in perditis rebus dispiceres, quod mihi putares faciendum, me moneres. Si recipior ab his, quod vides non fieri, tamen, quoad bellum erit, quid agam aut ubi sim, non reperio; sin iactor, eo minus. Itaque tuas litteras exspecto, easque ut ad me sine dubitatione scribas, rogo. Quod suades, ut ad Quintum scribam de his litteris, facerem, si me quicquam istae litterae delectarent. Etsi quidam scripsit ad me his verbis: "Ego ut in his malis Patris sum non invitus; essem libentius, si frater tuus ea de te loqueretur, quae ego audire vellem." Quod ais illum ad te scribere me he is said to be still fighting--still I think the business will be settled before he does return. You say, however, that some feeling of pleasure was aroused among the loyalists when they heard of this letter. Of course you do not omit anything in which you think there is the least consolation, but I cannot bring myself to believe that any of the loyalists supposed that I prize any salvation highly enough to beg for it of him: especially as I have not even a single partner in this policy now. Those who are in Asia are waiting to see how things turn out: those in Achaia too keep holding out to Fufius the hope that they will petition for pardon. They at first had the same fear and the same plan as myself; but the hitch at Alexandria improved their case and ruined mine. So I still make the same request of you as in former letters: if in these desperate straits you see anything you think I ought to do, tell me of it. If I am taken back by the loyalists, which you see is not the case, still, so long as the war lasts, I don't see what I am to do or where I am to stay; still less, if I am rejected by them. So I await a letter from you, and I beg you to write to me without hesitation. You advise me to write to Quintus about this letter. I would, if the letter gave me any pleasure, though some one has written to me saying: "Considering the evil days, I am pretty comfortable at Patrae, and I should be more so, if your brother would speak of you as I should like to hear him." sibi nullas litteras remittere, semel ab ipso accepi. Ad eas Cephalioni dedi, qui multos menses tempestatibus retentus est. Quintum filium ad me acerbissime scripsisse iam ante ad te scripsi. Extremum est, quod te orem, si putas rectum esse et a te suscipi posse, cum Camillo communices, ut Terentiam moneatis de testamento. Tempora monent, ut videat, ut satis faciat, quibus debeat. Auditum ex Philotimo est eam scelerate quaedam facere. Credibile vix est, sed certe, si quid est, quod fieri possit, providendum est. De omnibus rebus velim ad me scribas, et maxime quid sentias de ea, in qua tuo consilio egeo, etiam si nihil excogitas. Id enim mihi erit pro desperato. III Non. Iun.

[1] quoniam iustas causas adfers quor te hoc tempore videre non possim, quaeso, (cogita) quid sit mihi faciendum. ille enim ita videtur Alexandream tenere ut eum scribere etiam pudeat de illis rebus, hi autem ex Africa iam adfuturi videntur, Achaici, item ex Asia redituri ad eos aut libero aliquo loco commoraturi. quid mihi igitur putas agendum? video difficile esse consilium. sum enim solus aut cum altero cui neque ad illos reditus sit neque ab his ipsis quicquam ad spem ostendatur. sed tamen scire velim quid censeas; idque erat cum aliis cur te, si fieri posset, cuperem videre. [2] Minucium X_I_I_ sola curasse scripsi ad te antea. quod superest velim videas ut curetur. Quintus non modo non cum magna prece ad me sed acerbissime scripsit, filius vero mirifico odio. nihil fingi potest mali quo non urgear. omnia tamen sunt faciliora quam peccati dolor qui et maximus est et aeternus. cuius peccati si socios essem habiturus ego quos putavi, tamen esset ea consolatio tenuis. sed habet aliorum omnium ratio exitum, mea nullum. Alii capti, alii interclusi non veniunt in dubium de voluntate, eo minus scilicet cum se expedierint et una esse coeperint. ii autem ipsi qui sua voluntate ad Fufium venerunt nihil possunt nisi timidi existimari. multi autem sunt qui, quocumque modo ad illos se recipere volent, recipientur. quo minus debes mirari non posse me tanto dolori resistere. solius enim meum peccatum corrigi non potest et fortasse Laeli. sed quid me id levat? nam C. quidem Cassium aiunt consilium Alexandream eundi mutavisse. [3] haec ad te scribo, non ut quem tuam demere sollicitudinem sed ut cognoscam ecquid tu ad ea adferas quae me conficiunt; ad quae gener accedit et cetera quae fletu reprimor ne scribam. quin etiam Aesopi filius me ex cruciat. prorsus nihil abest quin sim miserrimus. sed ad primum revertor quid putes faciendum, occultene aliquo propius veniendum an mare transeundum. nam hic maneri diutius non potest [4] (de) Fufidianis qua re nihil potuit confici? genus enim condicionis eius modi fuit in quo non solet esse controversia, cum ea pars quae videtur esse minor licitatione expleri posset. hoc ego non sine causa quaero. suspicor enim coheredes dubiam nostram causam putare et eo rem in integro esse malle. vale. Pr. Idus Maias.