Letter 236

What you wrote to me some time ago and to Tullia too about me, with the intention that it should be passed on to me, I feel to be true. It adds to my misery, though I thought nothing could be added, that, when I have received the deepest injury, I cannot show anger or even annoyance with impunity. So I must put up with that. And when I have borne that blow, I shall still have to suffer what you warn me to guard against. For I have got myself into such trouble, that, whatever the state of affairs or the feelings of the people may be, the result for me apparently will be the same. But here I take the pen myself; for I shall have to deal with confidential matters. Please see to the will even now, as it was made when she had begun to get into difficulties. She did not bother you, I think; for she did not even ask me about it. But, supposing that is so, since you have broached the subject already, you will be able to advise her to deposit it with some one whose position is not affected by this war. Myself I would rather you were the person, if she agrees to that. The fact is I am keeping the poor woman in the dark as to that fear of mine. That her property would be confiscated. For that other matter, I know of course that nothing can be put up for sale now, but things could be put away and hidden, so that they escape the crash which is threatening. For, when you et tua Tulliae fore parata, tua credo, nostra quae poterunt esse? De Terentia autem (mitto cetera, quae sunt innumerabilia) quid ad hoc addi potest? Scripseras, ut HS X̅I̅I̅ permutaret; tantum esse reliquum de argento. Misit illa CCIↃↃ mihi et adscripsit tantum esse reliquum. Cum hoc tam parvum de parvo detraxerit, perspicis, quid in maxima re fecerit. Philotimus non modo nullus venit, sed ne per litteras quidem aut per nuntium certiorem facit me, quid egerit. Epheso qui veniunt, ibi se eum de suis controversiis in ius adeuntem vidisse nuntiant; quae quidem (ita enim veri simile est) in adventum Caesaris fortasse reiciuntur. Ita aut nihil puto eum habere, quod putet ad me celerius perferendum, aut adeo me in malis esse despectum, ut, etiamsi quid habet, id nisi omnibus suis negotiis confectis ad me referre non curet. Ex quo magnum equidem capio dolorem, sed non tantum, quantum videor debere. Nihil enim mea minus interesse puto, quam quid illinc adferatur. Id quam ob rem, te intellegere certo scio. Quod me mones de vultu et oratione ad tempus accommodanda, etsi difficile est, tamen imperarem mihi, a mea quicquam interesse putarem. Quod scribis litteris putare te Africanum negotium confici posse, vellem scriberes, cur ita putares; mihi quidem nihil in mentem venit, quare id putem fieri posse. Tu tamen velim, si quid erit, quod consolationis aliquid write that my fortune and yours are at Tullia's service, I believe you as to yours, but what can there be of mine? Now as to Terentia, I omit lots of other things, for what can one add to this? You wrote to her to remit me by bill of exchange £100, saying that was the balance. She sent me 80 guineas, adding that that was all the balance. If she purloins so trifling an amount from so small a total, you can see what she has been doing in the case of larger sums. 12,000 and 10,000 sesterces respectively. Not a trace of Philotimus as yet: nay, he has not even informed me by letter or messenger what he has done. Those who come from Ephesus say they saw him there going into court about some lawsuits of his own, which possibly--indeed in all probability--are deferred till Caesar's arrival. So I suppose he either has nothing which he thinks he need hurry to bring to me, or I have sunk so low in my misfortunes that, even if he has, he does not take the trouble to bring it until he has finished all his own business. And that causes me considerable annoyance, but not so much as I think it ought. For I don't think anything matters much less to me than what answer he brings back from that quarter. Why, I am quite sure you know. You advise me to mould my looks and words according to circumstances. It is difficult, but I would put a rein on myself, if I thought it mattered to me at all. You say you think the African business can be arranged by an interchange of letters: I wish you would say, why you think so: for I can't imagine any reason for thinking it possible. However please write to me, if there is anything that would give me habeat, scribas ad me; sin, ut perspicio, nihil erit, scribas id ipsum. Ego ad te, si quid audiero citius, scribam. Vale. VIII Idus Sextil.

[1] diligenter mihi fasciculum reddidit Balbi tabellarius. accepi enim a te litteras quibus videris vereri ut epistulas illas acceperim. quas quidem vellem mihi numquam redditas; auxerunt enim mihi dolorem (nec), si in aliquem incidissent, quicquam novi attulissent. quid enim tam pervulgatum quam illius in me odium et genus hoc litterarum? quod ne Caesar quidem ad istos videtur misisse, quasi qui illius improbitate offenderetur, sed, credo, uti notiora nostra mala essent. nam quod te vereri scribis ne illi obsint eique rei (me vis) mederi, ne rogari quidem se passus est de illo. quod quidem mihi molestum non est; illud molestius, istas impetrationes nostras nihil valere. [2] Sulla, ut opinor, cras erit hic cum Messalla. currunt ad illum pulsi a militibus qui se negant usquam, nisi acceperint. ergo ille huc veniet, quod non putabant, tarde quidem. itinera enim ita facit ut multos dies in oppidum ponat. Pharnaces autem, quoquo modo aget, adferet moram. quid mihi igitur censes? iam enim corpore vix sustineo gravitatem huius caeli quae mihi languorem adfert in dolore. an his illuc euntibus mandem ut me excusent, ipse accedam propius? quaeso, attende et me, quod adhuc saepe rogatus non fecisti, consilio iuva. scio rem difficilem esse, sed ut (in) malis etiam illud mea magni interest te ut videam. profecto aliquid profecero, si id acciderit. de testamento, ut scribis, animadvertes.