Letter 253

I wrote to you yesterday about offering my excuses to Appuleius. I don't think there will be any bother. Any one you apply to is sure not to vide et Laenatem et Statilium; tribus enim opus est. Sed mihi Laenas totum receperat. Quod scribis a Iunio te appellatum, omnino Cornificius locuples est; sed tamen scire velim, quando dicar spopondisse et pro patre anne pro filio. Neque eo minus, ut scribis, procuratores Cornifici et Appuleium praediatorem videbis. Quod me ab hoc maerore recreari vis, facis ut omnia; sed me mihi non defuisse tu testis es. Nihil enim de maerore minuendo scriptum ab ullo est, quod ego non domi tuae legerim. Sed omnem consolationem vincit dolor. Quin etiam feci quod profecto ante me nemo, ut ipse me per litteras consolarer. Quem librum ad te mittam, si descripserint librarii. Adfirmo tibi nullam consolationem esse talem. Totos dies scribo, non quo proficiam quid, sed tantisper impedior; non equidem satis (vis enim urget), sed relaxor tamen omnique vi nitor non ad animum, sed ad vultum ipsum, si queam, reficiendum, idque faciens interdum mihi peccare videor, interdum peccaturus esse, nisi faciam. Solitudo aliquid adiuvat, sed multo plus proficeret, si tu tamen interesses. Quae mihi una causa est hinc discedendi; nam pro malis recte habebat. Quamquam id ipsum doleo. Non enim iam in me idem esse poteris. Perierunt illa, quae amabas. De Bruti ad me litteris scripsi ad te antea. Prudenter refuse. But see Septimius, Laenas and Statilius. There must be three. However Laenas undertook the whole matter for me. You say you have been dunned by Junius. Well anyhow Cornificius is rich enough to pay: but I should like to know when they say I went bail for him, and whether it was for the father or the son. Still for all that, do as you say, and see Cornificius' agents and Appuleius the estate agent. You are as kind as usual in wishing that I could get some relief from my grief; but you can bear witness that it is no fault of mine. For every word that has been written by anyone on the subject of assuaging grief I read at your house. But my sorrow is beyond any consolation. Why, I have done what no one has ever done before, tried to console myself by writing a book. I will send it to you as soon as it is copied out. I assure you no other consolation equals it. I write the whole day long, not that it does any good, but it acts as a temporary check: not very much of that, for the violence of my grief is too strong; but still I get some relief and try with all my might to attain some composure of countenance, if not of mind. In so doing sometimes I think I am doing wrong, and sometimes that I should be doing wrong, if I were not to do it. Solitude helps a little, but it would have much more effect, if you at any rate could be with me: and that is my only reason for leaving, for the place is as right as any could be under the circumstances. However even the idea of seeing you upsets me: for now you can never feel the same towards me. I have lost all you used to love. I have mentioned Brutus' letter to me before: scriptae, sed nihil, quod me adiuvarent. Quod ad te scripsit, id vellem, ut ipse adesset. Certe aliquid, quoniam me tam valde amat, adiuvaret. Quodsi quid scies, scribas ad me velim, maxime autem, Pansa quando. De Attica doleo, credo tamen Cratero. Piliam angi veta. Satis est maerere pro omnibus.

commovet me Attica; etsi adsentior Cratero. Bruti litterae scriptae et prudenter et amice multas mihi tamen lacrimas attulerunt. me haec solitudo minus stimulat quam ista celebritas. te unum desidero; sed litteris non difficilius utor quam si domi essem. ardor tamen ille idem urget et manet non me hercule indulgente me sed tamen repugnante. [2] quod scribis de Appuleio, nihil puto opus esse tua contentione nec Balbo et Oppio; quibus quidem ille receperat mihique etiam iusserat nuntiari se molestum omnino non futurum. sed cura ut excuser morbi causa in dies singulos. laenas hoc receperat. prende C. Septimium, L. Statilium. denique nemo negabit sc iuraturum quem rogaris. quod si erit durius, veniam et ipse perpetuum morbum iurabo. cum enim mihi carendum sit conviviis, malo id lege videri facere quam dolore. Cocceium velim appelles. quod enim dixerat non facit. ego autem volo aliquod emere latibulum et perfugium doloris mei.