Letter 26
I was just lately telling you that I was within sight
of old age. I am now afraid that I have left old age behind me.
For some other word would now apply to my years, or at any rate to my body;
since old age means a time of life that is weary rather than crushed.
You may rate me in the worn-out class, - of those who are nearing the end.
Nevertheless, I offer thanks to myself, with
you as witness; for I feel that age has done no damage to my mind, though
I feel its effects on my constitution. Only my vices, and the outward
aids to these vices, have reached senility; my mind is strong and rejoices
that it has but slight connexion with the body. It has laid aside
the greater part of its load. It is alert; it takes issue with me
on the subject of old age; it declares that old age is its time of bloom.
Let me take it at its word, and let it make the most of the advantages
it possesses. The mind bids me do some thinking and consider how
much of this
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peace of spirit and moderation of character I owe to wisdom and how
much to my time of life; it bids me distinguish carefully what I cannot
do and what I do not want to do. . . . For why should one complain
or regard it as a disadvantage, if powers which ought to come to an end
have failed? "But," you say, "it is the greatest possible disadvantage
to be worn out and to die off, or rather, if I may speak literally, to
melt away! For we are not suddenly smitten and laid low; we are worn
away, and every day reduces our powers to a certain extent."
But is there any better end to it all than
to glide off to one's proper haven, when nature slips the cable?
Not that there is anything painful in a shock and a sudden departure from
existence; it is merely because this other way of departure is easy, -
a gradual withdrawal. I, at any rate, as if the test were at hand and the
day were come which is to pronounce its decision concerning all the years
of my life, watch over myself and commune thus with myself: "The showing
which we have made up to the present time, in word or deed, counts for
nothing. All this is but a trifling and deceitful pledge of our spirit,
and is wrapped in much charlatanism. I shall leave it to Death to
determine what progress I have made. Therefore with no faint heart
I am making ready for the day when, putting aside all stage artifice and
actor's rouge, I am to pass judgment upon myself, - whether I am merely
declaiming brave sentiments, or whether I really feel them; whether all
the bold threats I have uttered against fortune are a pretence and a farce.
Put aside the opinion of the world; it is always wavering and always takes
both sides. Put aside the studies which you have pursued throughout
your life;
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Death will deliver the final judgment in your case. This is what
I mean: your debates and learned talks, your maxims gathered from the teachings
of the wise, your cultured conversation, - all these afford no proof of
the real strength of your soul. Even the most timid man can deliver
a bold speech. What you have done in the past will be manifest only
at the time when you draw your last breath. I accept the terms; I
do not shrink from the decision." This is what I say to myself, but I would
have you think that I have said it to you also. You are younger;
but what does that matter? There is no fixed count of our years.
You do not know where death awaits you; so be ready for it everywhere.
I was just intending to stop, and my hand
was making ready for the closing sentence; but the rites are still to be
performed and the travelling money for the letter disbursed. And
just assume that I am not telling where I intend to borrow the necessary
sum; you know upon whose coffers I depend. Wait for me but a moment,
and I will pay you from my own account; meanwhile, Epicurus will oblige
me with these words:, "Think on death," or rather, if you prefer the
phrase, on "migration to heaven." The meaning is clear, - that it is a
wonderful thing to learn thoroughly how to die. You may deem it superfluous
to learn a text that can be used only once; but that is just the reason
why we ought to think on a thing. When we can never prove whether
we really know a thing, we must always be learning it. "Think on death."
In saying this, he bids us think on freedom. He who has learned to
die has unlearned slavery; he is above any external power, or, at any rate,
he is beyond it. What terrors have prisons and bonds and bars for
him? His way
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Latin / Greek Original
[1] Modo dicebam tibi in conspectu esse me senectutis: iam vereor ne senectutem post me reliquerim. Aliud iam his annis, certe huic corpori, vocabulum convenit, quoniam quidem senectus lassae aetatis, non fractae nomen est: inter decrepitos me numera et extrema tangentis. [2] Gratias tamen mihi apud te ago: non sentio in animo aetatis iniuriam, cum sentiam in corpore. Tantum vitia et vitiorum ministeria senuerunt: viget animus et gaudet non multum sibi esse cum corpore; magnam partem oneris sui posuit. Exsultat et mihi facit controversiam de senectute: hunc ait esse florem suum. Credamus illi: bono suo utatur. [3] Ire in cogitationem iubet et dispicere quid ex hac tranquillitate ac modestia morum sapientiae debeam, quid aetati, et diligenter excutere quae non possim facere, quae nolim, proinde habiturus atque si nolim quidquid non posse me gaudeo: quae enim querela est, quod incommodum, si quidquid debebat desinere defecit? [4] 'Incommodum summum est' inquis 'minui et deperire et, ut proprie dicam, liquescere. Non enim subito impulsi ac prostrati sumus: carpimur, singuli dies aliquid subtrahunt viribus.' Ecquis exitus est melior quam in finem suum natura solvente dilabi? non quia aliquid mali ictus <est> et e vita repentinus excessus, sed quia lenis haec est via, subduci. Ego certe, velut appropinquet experimentum et ille laturus sententiam de omnibus annis meis dies venerit, ita me observo et alloquor: [5] 'nihil est' inquam 'adhuc quod aut rebus aut verbis exhibuimus; levia sunt ista et fallacia pignora animi multisque involuta lenociniis: quid profecerim morti crediturus sum. Non timide itaque componor ad illum diem quo remotis strophis ac fucis de me iudicaturus sum, utrum loquar fortia an sentiam, numquid simulatio fuerit et mimus quidquid contra fortunam iactavi verborum contumacium. [6] Remove existimationem hominum: dubia semper est et in partem utramque dividitur. Remove studia tota vita tractata: mors de te pronuntiatura est. Ita dico: disputationes et litterata colloquia et ex praeceptis sapientium verba collecta et eruditus sermo non ostendunt verum robur animi; est enim oratio etiam timidissimis audax. Quid egeris tunc apparebit cum animam ages. Accipio condicionem, non reformido iudicium.' [7] Haec mecum loquor, sed tecum quoque me locutum puta. Iuvenior es: quid refert? non dinumerantur anni. Incertum est quo loco te mors exspectet; itaque tu illam omni loco exspecta.
[8] Desinere iam volebam et manus spectabat ad clausulam, sed conficienda sunt aera et huic epistulae viaticum dandum est. Puta me non dicere unde sumpturus sim mutuum: scis cuius arca utar. Exspecta me pusillum, et de domo fiet numeratio; interim commodabit Epicurus, qui ait 'meditare mortem', vel si commodius sic transire ad nos hic potest sensus: 'egregia res est mortem condiscere'. [9] Supervacuum forsitan putas id discere quod semel utendum est. Hoc est ipsum quare meditari debeamus: semper discendum est quod an sciamus experiri non possumus. [10] 'Meditare mortem': qui hoc dicit meditari libertatem iubet. Qui mori didicit servire dedidicit; supra omnem potentiam est, certe extra omnem. Quid ad illum carcer et custodia et claustra? liberum ostium habet. Una est catena quae nos alligatos tenet, amor vitae, qui ut non est abiciendus, ita minuendus est, ut si quando res exiget, nihil nos detineat nec impediat quominus parati simus quod quandoque faciendum est statim facere. Vale.