Letter 2003: How heavily sinners are crushed by the weight of their own deeds — everything that is offered is snatched from...

Ennodius to Speciosa. How heavily sinners are crushed by the weight of their own deeds — everything that is offered is snatched from before their eyes, and lest desires be consigned to forgetfulness, what they long for comes close enough to see but not to touch! I had taken on a welcome obligation to travel to the city of Ticinum [Pavia], and I had endured every hardship of the miserable journey, supposing that the bishop would consider a service to his own commands what was in fact serving my own affection. But suddenly, just as I reached the very goal I had labored so hard to attain, the harvest I had already placed on the threshing floor escaped me. O grief — you who summon me from the friendly exchange of letters to the stuff of tragedy! I had glimpsed the walls of that venerable city — next in my heart only to places of religion — because of you. I was already preparing the words of a welcome conversation. I am afraid to describe what came next, lest in speaking of it I should be forced to endure the experience again. The illustrious Erduic — the man you, glory of the Church, had made me long to see — was thrust upon my eyes by an unforeseen calamity. There my companions saw what I was seeking; there the turmoil of my heart, which I had until then concealed under the pretext of the aforementioned person, became known. I could not hide what I wanted through the torments of love, nor color my conscience with any pretense. He who cut short the reasons for my longer journey sent me home in sorrow. I confess I did not love the shortening of my fatigue. There — I have declared the proof of my devotion and the state of my heart. It is for you, if I have spoken the truth, to question yourself, and to gauge my heart by the measure of your own affection. My lady, I send my greetings and beg you to learn graciously, through the bearer of this letter, what needs to be communicated.

III. ENNODIVS SPECIOSAE. Quanto deprimuntur peccatores suorum fasce factorum, quibus ab oculis tollitur quicquid offertur et ne in obliuionem desideria 1 manca maim; sed fort . magna pro rem magnam dixit ut Epist. IV 16 et 27 I , II. 7 feeri Lx 8 n T in ras . 12 ita om. T 13 auctoris B 14 cognoscator Pb 15 ea in re b 16 ego] ergo LlVl 20 iassas] nisus Pb et Sirm. ∗actenus L h eras . 25 in om. L Y angustom B1 ID. 28 depremuntur B 29 MuLtis L i eras . tolletur quidquid B desideri fmittantur F1 ut uidetur mittantur, uicinum fit nec contingi licet omne quod cupiunt! ad Ticinensem urbem uotiuam susceperam necessitatem et molesti itineris uniuersa transieram, existimans hoc sacerdotem credere suis imperiis inpendi quod meo militabat affectui, cum subito circa metas uotorum summo labore petitus iam de area fructus effugit. pro dolor, qui me de epistolari alloquio ad tragoediam uocas! muros uenerandae post religionis loca propter te ciuitatis aspexeram, iam grati parabam uerba conloquii: uereor dicere quod remansit, ne loquendo cogar denuo sustinere transacta. inlustrem uirum Erduic, quem me tu, ecclesiae decus, desiderare feceras, inprouisus oculis casus ingessit. ibi comites mei uidere quid peterem: ibi animi mei aestus innotuit, quem ante sub praedictae claudebam umbra personae: nesciui occultare . per caritatis tormenta quod uolui nec fucis aliquibus colorare conscientiam. maerentem me ad domum reduxit qui prolixioris itineris causas incidit. fatigationis meae fateor conpendia non amaui. ecce contestationem diligentiae meae et mentis adserui. uestrum est, si uera dixerim, uos interrogare et animum meum affectionis uestrae aestimatione cognoscere. domina mi, saluto et deprecor, ut libens per praesentium portitorem suggerenda cognoscas.