Letter 2003: How heavily sinners are crushed by the weight of their own deeds — everything that is offered is snatched from...

Ennodius to Speciosa. How greatly sinners are weighed down by the burden of their own deeds, men from whose eyes there is snatched away whatever is offered to them, and lest their unfulfilled longings pass into oblivion [...], it draws near, and yet it is not permitted to touch everything that they desire! I had undertaken a longed-for obligation to journey to the city of Ticinum [Pavia], and I had passed through all the hardships of a troublesome road, supposing that the bishop believed this to be expended upon his commands which in fact was serving my own affection; when suddenly, near the very goal of my prayers, the fruit sought with the utmost labor escaped from the very threshing-floor. O grief, you who call me away from epistolary conversation to tragedy! After the places of venerable religion, I had looked upon the walls of the city for your sake, and already I was preparing the words of a welcome conversation: I am afraid to say what remained, lest by speaking I be compelled once again to endure what has passed. The illustrious man Erduic, whom you, ornament of the Church, had made me long to see, an unforeseen accident thrust before my eyes. There my companions saw what I was seeking: there the ardor of my mind was made known, which before I kept shut up beneath the shadow of the aforesaid person: I did not know how, through the torments of love, to conceal what I wished, nor to color my conscience with any disguises. He who furnished the causes of a more prolonged journey brought me back grieving to the house. I confess I have not loved the shortcuts of my weariness. Behold, I have asserted the testimony of my diligence and of my mind. It is your part, if I have spoken the truth, to question yourselves and to know my mind by the measure of your own affection. My lady, I salute you and entreat you that you may willingly learn through the bearer of this present letter the things that ought to be conveyed.

III. ENNODIVS SPECIOSAE. Quanto deprimuntur peccatores suorum fasce factorum, quibus ab oculis tollitur quicquid offertur et ne in obliuionem desideria 1 manca maim; sed fort . magna pro rem magnam dixit ut Epist. IV 16 et 27 I , II. 7 feeri Lx 8 n T in ras . 12 ita om. T 13 auctoris B 14 cognoscator Pb 15 ea in re b 16 ego] ergo LlVl 20 iassas] nisus Pb et Sirm. ∗actenus L h eras . 25 in om. L Y angustom B1 ID. 28 depremuntur B 29 MuLtis L i eras . tolletur quidquid B desideri fmittantur F1 ut uidetur mittantur, uicinum fit nec contingi licet omne quod cupiunt! ad Ticinensem urbem uotiuam susceperam necessitatem et molesti itineris uniuersa transieram, existimans hoc sacerdotem credere suis imperiis inpendi quod meo militabat affectui, cum subito circa metas uotorum summo labore petitus iam de area fructus effugit. pro dolor, qui me de epistolari alloquio ad tragoediam uocas! muros uenerandae post religionis loca propter te ciuitatis aspexeram, iam grati parabam uerba conloquii: uereor dicere quod remansit, ne loquendo cogar denuo sustinere transacta. inlustrem uirum Erduic, quem me tu, ecclesiae decus, desiderare feceras, inprouisus oculis casus ingessit. ibi comites mei uidere quid peterem: ibi animi mei aestus innotuit, quem ante sub praedictae claudebam umbra personae: nesciui occultare . per caritatis tormenta quod uolui nec fucis aliquibus colorare conscientiam. maerentem me ad domum reduxit qui prolixioris itineris causas incidit. fatigationis meae fateor conpendia non amaui. ecce contestationem diligentiae meae et mentis adserui. uestrum est, si uera dixerim, uos interrogare et animum meum affectionis uestrae aestimatione cognoscere. domina mi, saluto et deprecor, ut libens per praesentium portitorem suggerenda cognoscas.