Letter 794: As much as I blamed the road — for it was harsh — so much and more I blame myself for turning back so quickly,...

To Emperor Julian. (363) As much as I blamed the road — for it was harsh — so much and more I blame myself for turning back so quickly, instead of pressing on to the stopping-point itself and granting myself the chance to see that divine head at dawn the next day. For not even the city could console me, doing as badly as it was. By "doing badly" I do not mean the scarcity of goods for sale, but that it has been judged wicked, ungrateful, and base by one who possesses so great an empire and still greater wisdom. As long as Alcimus was with me, I had someone to receive my words — words in which I blamed myself and went over the honor you showed me. But once he departed, I made the ceiling my companion in his place. Lying on my couch and gazing up at it, I would say: "Now the emperor was summoning me; now I sat in his presence (for he granted that too); now I was pleading the city's case (for that too was permitted — to speak before the emperor on behalf of those who had offended him); and he prevailed, both justly accusing and powerfully arguing, while I, contending stubbornly, was neither hated nor expelled." With such thoughts I feast myself, and I pray to the gods: first, that they make you victorious over the enemy; second, that they show you to us here again as before. There is a third thing in my prayers, which the gods have heard, but I will not tell you. Indeed I should not even have said that much — that I will not tell. For you are clever enough to find the third from the fact that the one praying conceals what he prayed for, and I fear you may ask for the opposite. But for now, cross the rivers and fall upon the archers, more fearsome than any river. After that you will deliberate on the matters you say you will deliberate upon. And do not weary of cheering the absent one by whatever means you have. For I will write, calling forth your letters even from the midst of battle, trusting that this too would be in your nature — to marshal an army, wound the enemy, and write letters all at once. This is how my body wrongs me: I will hear of things I should have seen. But the blessed Seleucus will see it all, having rightly placed the glory of serving such an emperor above both a good wife and a beloved daughter.

Ἰουλιανῷ αὐτοκράτορι. (363) Ὅσα κατηγόρησα τῆς ὁδοῦ, καὶ γὰρ ἦν χαλεπή, τοσαῦτα ἐμαυτοῦ καὶ ἔτι πλείω ταχέως ἀναστρέψας, ἀλλ’ οὐκ ἐπ’ αὐτὸν ἐλθὼν τὸν σταθμὸν καὶ δοὺς ἐμαυτῷ τὸ καὶ τῆς ὑστεραίας ἅμα τῷ ἡλίῳ τὴν θείαν ἰδεῖν κεφαλήν. καὶ γὰρ οὐδ’ ἡ πόλις με εἶχε παραμυθεῖσθαι πράττουσ κακῶς. λέγω δὲ κα κοπραγίαν οὐ τὴν τῶν ὠνίων σπάνιν, ἀλλ’ ὅτι πονηρὰ κοὶ κακὴ καὶ ἀχάριστος κέκριται καὶ δοκεῖ τῷ τηλικαύτην μὶν ἂρ χήν, πλείω δὲ φρόνησιν κεκτημένῳ. ἴως μὶν οὖν Ἄλκιμος μοι παρῆν, εἶχον τὸν δεχόμενον τοὺς λόγους, ἐν οἷς ἐμαυτόν τε ᾐτιώμην καὶ περὶ τῆς εἰς ἐμαυτὸν παρὰ σοῦ διεξηῄειν τιμῆς ὡς δὲ ἐκεῖνος ἀπῆρε, τὴν ὀροφὴν ἐποιούμην ἀντὶ τοῦ φίλου. πρὸς ἣν ἀναβλέπων κείμενος ἐπὶ τῆς κλίνης νῦν, ἔλεγον, ὁ βασιλεὺς ἐκάλει· νῦν εἰσὼν ἐκαθήμην, καὶ γὰρ τοῦτο ἐδίδου, νῦν ὑπὲρ τῆς πόλεως ἠγωνιζόμην, καὶ γὰρ τοῦτο ἐξῆν ὑπὲρ τῶν βασιλέα λελυπηκότων πρὸς βασιλέα λέγειν· ὁ δὲ ἐκράτει μὲν δίκαιά τε ἐγκαλῶν καὶ δυνάμενος εἰπεῖν, ἐγὼ δὲ φιλονεικῶν οὔτε ἐμι- σούμην οὔτε ἐξεβαλλόμην. τοιούτοις ἐμαυτὸν εὐωχῶ καὶ αἰτῶ παρὰ τῶν θεῶν πρῶτον μὲν σὲ ποιῆσαι κρείττω τῶν πολεμίων· ἔπειθ’ ἡμῖν ἐνταῦθα δεῖξαι καθάπερ ἔμπροσθεν. ἔστι τι καὶ τρίτον ἐν ταῖς εὐχαῖς, ὃ ἐκεῖνοι μὲν ἀκηκόασι, πρὸς σὲ δὲ οὐκ ἐρῶ· ἴδει δὲ ἄρα μηδ’ αὐτὸ τοῦτ’ εἰπεῖν, τὸ ὡς οὐκ ἐρῶ. δεινὸς γὰρ σύ γε τὸ τρίτον τοῦθ’ εὑρεῖν ἀπὸ τοῦ τὸν εὐχόμενον ἐμὲ κρύπτειν ὅπερ ηὐξάμην, καὶ δέδοικα δὴ μὴ τοὐναντίον αἰτήσῃς. ἀλλὰ νῦν μὲν διάβαινε τοὺς ποταμοὺς καὶ ποταμοῦ φοβερώτερος ἔμπιπτε τοῖς τοξόταις, μετὰ ταῦτα δὲ βουλεύσῃ περὶ ὧν βεβουλεύσεσθαι φής. ἐμὲ δὲ εὐφραίνων μὴ κάμῃς οἷς ἔξεστι τὸν ἀπόντα· ὡς ἔγωγε ἐπιστελῶ προκαλούμενος γράμματα τὰ σὰ ἀπὸ μέσης μάχης πιστεύων ὅτι καὶ ταῦτ’ ἂν εἴη τῆς σῆς φύσεως τάττειν τε ὁμοῦ στρατὸν καὶ τιτρώσκειν καὶ ἐπιστέλλειν. οὕτως ὑπὸ τοῦ σώματος ἀδικοῦμαι μέλλων ἀκούειν ἃ χρῆν ὁρᾶν· Σέλευ- κος δὲ ὁ μακάριος ὄψεται καλῶς προθεὶς καὶ γυναικὸς ἀγα- θῆς καὶ παιδὸς ἀγαπητῆς τὴν ἀπὸ τοῦ τοιούτῳ βασιλεῖ δια- κονεῖν εὔκλειαν