Letter 794: As much as I blamed the road — for it was harsh — so much and more I blame myself for turning back so quickly,...

To the Emperor Julian. (363) All the complaints I made against the road, for indeed it was a hard one, I made just as many against myself, and still more, when I had quickly turned back rather than press on to the very station and grant myself the chance of beholding your divine countenance on the following day at sunrise. For not even the city was able to console me, faring as it does so badly. And by ill-fortune I do not mean the scarcity of provisions, but the fact that it has been judged, and seems, to be wicked and bad and ungrateful in the eyes of one who possesses so great an empire and a still greater wisdom. Now so long as Alcimus was with me, I had someone to receive my words, in which I both blamed myself and recounted at length the honor shown to me on your part; but when he departed, I made the ceiling my companion instead of my friend. Gazing up at it as I lay upon my couch, I would say: “Now the emperor was summoning me”; “now I was sitting within, for he granted this too”; “now I was contending on behalf of the city,” for this too was permitted, to plead before the emperor on behalf of those who had grieved the emperor; “and he prevailed, since he both made just accusations and was able to state them, while I, contending eagerly, was neither hated nor cast out.” With such things I feast myself, and I ask of the gods first of all to make you stronger than your enemies; and then to show you to us here as before. There is also a third thing among my prayers, which they have heard, but to you I will not utter it; yet it seems I ought not even to say this very thing, that I will not utter it. For you are clever at discovering this third thing from the very fact that I, the one praying, conceal what I prayed for, and so I am afraid that you may ask for the opposite. But for now cross the rivers, and, more fearsome than a river, fall upon the archers; and after that you will deliberate about the things you say you will deliberate upon. And do not grow weary of gladdening me by those means by which it is possible to gladden one who is absent; for I, for my part, will write, inviting letters of yours from the midst of the battle, trusting that this too would be in keeping with your nature—at one and the same time to marshal an army, and to wound, and to write letters. Thus I am wronged by my body, being about to hear what I ought to see; but Seleucus the blessed will see it well, having set before both a good wife and a beloved child the glory that comes from serving such an emperor.

Ἰουλιανῷ αὐτοκράτορι. (363) Ὅσα κατηγόρησα τῆς ὁδοῦ, καὶ γὰρ ἦν χαλεπή, τοσαῦτα ἐμαυτοῦ καὶ ἔτι πλείω ταχέως ἀναστρέψας, ἀλλ’ οὐκ ἐπ’ αὐτὸν ἐλθὼν τὸν σταθμὸν καὶ δοὺς ἐμαυτῷ τὸ καὶ τῆς ὑστεραίας ἅμα τῷ ἡλίῳ τὴν θείαν ἰδεῖν κεφαλήν. καὶ γὰρ οὐδ’ ἡ πόλις με εἶχε παραμυθεῖσθαι πράττουσ κακῶς. λέγω δὲ κα κοπραγίαν οὐ τὴν τῶν ὠνίων σπάνιν, ἀλλ’ ὅτι πονηρὰ κοὶ κακὴ καὶ ἀχάριστος κέκριται καὶ δοκεῖ τῷ τηλικαύτην μὶν ἂρ χήν, πλείω δὲ φρόνησιν κεκτημένῳ. ἴως μὶν οὖν Ἄλκιμος μοι παρῆν, εἶχον τὸν δεχόμενον τοὺς λόγους, ἐν οἷς ἐμαυτόν τε ᾐτιώμην καὶ περὶ τῆς εἰς ἐμαυτὸν παρὰ σοῦ διεξηῄειν τιμῆς ὡς δὲ ἐκεῖνος ἀπῆρε, τὴν ὀροφὴν ἐποιούμην ἀντὶ τοῦ φίλου. πρὸς ἣν ἀναβλέπων κείμενος ἐπὶ τῆς κλίνης νῦν, ἔλεγον, ὁ βασιλεὺς ἐκάλει· νῦν εἰσὼν ἐκαθήμην, καὶ γὰρ τοῦτο ἐδίδου, νῦν ὑπὲρ τῆς πόλεως ἠγωνιζόμην, καὶ γὰρ τοῦτο ἐξῆν ὑπὲρ τῶν βασιλέα λελυπηκότων πρὸς βασιλέα λέγειν· ὁ δὲ ἐκράτει μὲν δίκαιά τε ἐγκαλῶν καὶ δυνάμενος εἰπεῖν, ἐγὼ δὲ φιλονεικῶν οὔτε ἐμι- σούμην οὔτε ἐξεβαλλόμην. τοιούτοις ἐμαυτὸν εὐωχῶ καὶ αἰτῶ παρὰ τῶν θεῶν πρῶτον μὲν σὲ ποιῆσαι κρείττω τῶν πολεμίων· ἔπειθ’ ἡμῖν ἐνταῦθα δεῖξαι καθάπερ ἔμπροσθεν. ἔστι τι καὶ τρίτον ἐν ταῖς εὐχαῖς, ὃ ἐκεῖνοι μὲν ἀκηκόασι, πρὸς σὲ δὲ οὐκ ἐρῶ· ἴδει δὲ ἄρα μηδ’ αὐτὸ τοῦτ’ εἰπεῖν, τὸ ὡς οὐκ ἐρῶ. δεινὸς γὰρ σύ γε τὸ τρίτον τοῦθ’ εὑρεῖν ἀπὸ τοῦ τὸν εὐχόμενον ἐμὲ κρύπτειν ὅπερ ηὐξάμην, καὶ δέδοικα δὴ μὴ τοὐναντίον αἰτήσῃς. ἀλλὰ νῦν μὲν διάβαινε τοὺς ποταμοὺς καὶ ποταμοῦ φοβερώτερος ἔμπιπτε τοῖς τοξόταις, μετὰ ταῦτα δὲ βουλεύσῃ περὶ ὧν βεβουλεύσεσθαι φής. ἐμὲ δὲ εὐφραίνων μὴ κάμῃς οἷς ἔξεστι τὸν ἀπόντα· ὡς ἔγωγε ἐπιστελῶ προκαλούμενος γράμματα τὰ σὰ ἀπὸ μέσης μάχης πιστεύων ὅτι καὶ ταῦτ’ ἂν εἴη τῆς σῆς φύσεως τάττειν τε ὁμοῦ στρατὸν καὶ τιτρώσκειν καὶ ἐπιστέλλειν. οὕτως ὑπὸ τοῦ σώματος ἀδικοῦμαι μέλλων ἀκούειν ἃ χρῆν ὁρᾶν· Σέλευ- κος δὲ ὁ μακάριος ὄψεται καλῶς προθεὶς καὶ γυναικὸς ἀγα- θῆς καὶ παιδὸς ἀγαπητῆς τὴν ἀπὸ τοῦ τοιούτῳ βασιλεῖ δια- κονεῖν εὔκλειαν