Letter 2002: My silence was demanded by hurt — hurt that grew deeper while it plotted its revenge at the expense of affection.
Ennodius of Pavia→Speciosa|c. 493 AD|Ennodius of Pavia
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Ennodius to Speciosa.
My silence was demanded by hurt — hurt that grew deeper while it plotted its revenge at the expense of affection. What else could I do but repay the silence of someone who denied me letters? The contempt shown toward me — made plain by the withholding of a cherished correspondence — deserved to be struck with the same blade: I would withdraw my conversation in return. You might say that revenge is unbecoming to a man of my vocation. But I count all offenses committed by you as a kind of obedience to the law: who could think it sinful to do what you have done, or believe that heaven would punish what you yourself have sanctioned?
Bear patiently, then, what I have done wrong — you led the way, light of the Church, and so you willed it. I keep the disposition I promised: to follow your example in all things, if I am worthy. The proof of this is that when you are silent, I am silent, and when you speak, I speak. And so, now that I have been ordered, I return to the duty of writing — I who until now kept within the modest sanctuary of silence the words that were not wanted.
Farewell, my lady, bright jewel of a cloudless conscience. May you long continue as an example of holy living. And if I am worthy, deign to remember me. Forgive the brevity of this letter — the haste of the carrier has left me no room to expand.
II. ENNODIVS SPECIOSAE.
Silentium meum dolor exigit, qui passus est crescere, dum
de uindicta cogitat, dispendia caritatis. quid enim fieri potuit,
nisi ut tacendo uicem restituerem litteras deneganti, ut contemptus
circa me, qui per abstinentiam uenerandi sermonis
innotuit, dum subduco conloquia, pari mucrone feriretur ? dicas
forsitan uindictam inimicam esse proposito. sed omnia errata
ita conputo quasi legis obsequium, in quibus uos esse contingit
auctores. quisquamne culpam putet facere quod fecisti et
plectendum iudicio diuino censeat quod a te processisse cognoscat?
aequo ergo animo sustine quod deliqui: dum in ea
re praecedis, lux ecclesiae, ipsa uoluisti. ego seruo animum,
quem promisi, ut in uniuersis, si mereor, aemulator existam,
cuius rei fidem, dum tacentibus uobis taceo et quod loquentibus
loquor, ostendit. ad scriptionis ergo officium, postquam
iussus sum, me reduxi, qui hactenus intra uerecundum penetrale
quae non amabantur uerba continui, simili in paginis pariturus
obsequio. salue, mi domina, bonae splendor sine nube conscientiae
et ad exemplum sanctae conuersationis in longum
producere et mei, si mereor, meminisse dignare, epistulari dans
ueniam breuitati, quam in angustum artauit festinatio portitoris.
◆
Ennodius to Speciosa.
My silence was demanded by hurt — hurt that grew deeper while it plotted its revenge at the expense of affection. What else could I do but repay the silence of someone who denied me letters? The contempt shown toward me — made plain by the withholding of a cherished correspondence — deserved to be struck with the same blade: I would withdraw my conversation in return. You might say that revenge is unbecoming to a man of my vocation. But I count all offenses committed by you as a kind of obedience to the law: who could think it sinful to do what you have done, or believe that heaven would punish what you yourself have sanctioned?
Bear patiently, then, what I have done wrong — you led the way, light of the Church, and so you willed it. I keep the disposition I promised: to follow your example in all things, if I am worthy. The proof of this is that when you are silent, I am silent, and when you speak, I speak. And so, now that I have been ordered, I return to the duty of writing — I who until now kept within the modest sanctuary of silence the words that were not wanted.
Farewell, my lady, bright jewel of a cloudless conscience. May you long continue as an example of holy living. And if I am worthy, deign to remember me. Forgive the brevity of this letter — the haste of the carrier has left me no room to expand.
Modern English rendering for readability. See the 19th-century translation or original Latin/Greek for scholarly use.