Letter 3: Theodore Studite, Letter 3; Greek heading: Τῷ αὐτῷ.

My tears burst forth before my words, and my inward parts are shaken, and my hand trembles as I write, and I am dragged in every direction, and I am not able to bear the pain. Oh, how shall I endure, father, father, your Christ-imitating sufferings? Oh, how shall I bear your lofty and holy humility? How shall I answer you with a reply that is fitting? And where shall I turn, and from what point shall I begin the letter? Do you then, O father, write such things to me? To me, the worm and the mire and the prodigal, does the father send forth words befitting a child? Do you, who ought to be entreated, take up the posture of a suppliant? And what then am I, the wretched one, to say in reply? And how am I to humble myself before my righteous father? Yet I received, O father, your holy letter in unworthy hands, as though they were tablets written by God. I heard your voice set down in writing, as if one were to hear the voice of an angel or of an apostle, and it broke my heart and made the tears gush out, and I wept and lamented, not with a Jeremian lamentation [the lament of the prophet Jeremiah] over things hateful to God, but with a kind of sweet lamentation, full of love for one's father and truly giving thanks to God; for what you have written, righteous father, is truly worthy of praise, worthy to be recorded, a sign of your wholly complete devotion to God. And so, O father, you have strengthened our resolve, you have put sinews into our hearts; your courage is beyond hope, your boldness of speech [parrhesia] is beyond expectation. You have appeared to us as someone other than the one we knew, wholly transformed in God; glory to him who has empowered you. The fear of the empire did not cast you down, the deceiver's flattery did not weaken you; you did not choose to enjoy pleasure for a season, willing rather to face danger first on behalf of the truth of God. The good shepherd, who laid down his soul for the sheep, who even now is a prisoner through your confinement as an apostle of Christ. Oh, that little chamber, in which you are carried and led about like a precious and serviceable vessel for God the Master. Would, then, that I might embrace that floor on which the feet of my lord and father walk; would that I might venerate the keys and bars set against you, as guardians of a treasure of piety. Or rather, I would have wished to kiss that precious mouth which confessed the word of truth, and the holy hands lifted up to holy and acceptable prayers. Where has your sweet face flown away from me, and where has your saving voice been silenced? Behold now, I am an orphan, the pitiable one and utterly forsaken, having no father, having no light-giver, no physician and nourisher of my lowly soul, without a protector, without a defender against those who war against me invisibly. I have become like a raven in the wilderness, like a sparrow upon a housetop, my eyes failing day by day, looking here and there and searching all around, and nowhere is the longed-for face; and not even thus could I worthily put my suffering into tragic words. Nevertheless I give thanks, and give thanks above measure, that I have been counted worthy of these things for the sake of the law of God, that I have been called the child of such a father. Perhaps I think I reign today through you, holy father, if only your prayer may keep me safe; for I dread my sin and my prodigality. But know this for certain, that through your holy prayers I am made strong and established, even though I am very easily overthrown; and not I alone, but all of us are one, of one mind with you and of one soul, choosing to suffer together with you even unto death; and do not in any way be afraid on our account. Well done, O father, well done, well done, O best of helmsmen, zealot for piety, imitator of the saints; you have contended truly in magnificent fashion, you have striven above the rest like a youth in his prime, and I know that your spirit is among the martyrs. So these things stand thus, though they do not yet measure up to my longing and to your worthiness as is due. But since you command me to relate to you in detail, from the day on which we endured that painful separation, both the journey and the things that befell us along it, I am not equal to it, yet I will do what has been commanded me most readily. On that very day, then, on which you, O father, departed by your own choice on the road to death, we too set out on the road of exile, mounted upon whatever animals happened to be available. And as we were untried at the start of such a drama, we were somewhat in despondency; for we drew near to certain villages too, made a spectacle before every kind of face and age of men; and both our ears were assailed with uproars and shoutings, both in the setting out and in the halting, on account of those who led us procuring provisions. But as we went further on, having grown accustomed, we bore the hardships more easily. What grieved us more was the sickness of the father, the lord deacon. And so, weighed down on the road and drenched with troubles, we made our way through. These were our halting-places: from Kathara to Libiana, then to Leukai, then in this way to Phyraion. There a painful thing befell us too, worthy of the record; for nine of the foremost brethren appeared somehow from afar, like scattered sheep, and stood around us weeping and crushing our heart. And the one leading us would not even allow us to speak to them, but seeing pitiable sights and being seen, and uttering exclamations to one another, at last with tears we were parted. Then, brought down at Paula, we found your much-longed-for sister together with the lord Sabas, having met in secret and remained all night together; and speaking the fitting words and embracing one another as men at the point of death, we separated, groaning and crying aloud. There one might see inward parts torn and convulsed, as nature was overcome in a manner befitting God. From there we halted at Lupadion, kindly shown compassion by our host, and we made use of a bath too on account of our welts (for some of them had become hard to heal from the journey), and we were brought down to Tilis; there, then, the abbot Zacharias overtook us together with Pionios, weeping out of warm devotion and choosing to journey with us, although they were not permitted. From there to Alkeriza, from there to Anagrammenoi, then to Perperina, and from there to Parion, receiving communion from the bishops, except that with humility we also reminded them, putting them under oath. Then to Horkos, from there to Lampsakos; in which, finding people of Herakleia, we rested besides for three days, being unable to sail. Then, putting out to sea, we sailed down to Abydos, mercifully and piously cared for by the ruler there; and after remaining until the Sabbath, eight days, we sailed away to Eleountes, and after remaining a week's time on account of the lack of sailing weather, when a favorable wind blew we were carried over to Lemnos in nine hours. Here the piety of the bishop of that place halts my account; for as no other, he both received us graciously and consoled us and furnished us with provisions for the way. Sailing away, then, from there in fear because of the neighboring nation, we crossed over with a north wind whistling, the sea being a hundred and fifty miles in twelve hours, anchoring at Kanastron within the bounds of Thessalonica, then to Pallene, the land bordering the gulf, then to Embolos. From there, mounted again upon animals, on the Sabbath day, the feast of the Annunciation, at the third hour we were brought into the city. And what manner of entrance it was; for it is necessary not to pass this over either. Being sent ahead, then, by the prefect, one of the eminent men with soldiers waited at the eastern gate, and as we came up they met us standing upright in silence; and after we entered, having shut the gates, they led us through the marketplace, leading us in procession before the eyes of those who had run together for this purpose, and leading us off they brought us in to the ruler. And well done to the man; for showing a kindly face, after we had fallen down before him he spoke gracious things to us and sent us on to the archbishop, after we had first prayed in Hagia Sophia. And in the oratory belonging to him, after the most holy one had made a prayer, he received us and embraced us, conversing with us as was fitting, and at once taking charge of us and giving us rest by means of a bath and of food. On the Monday early they took us up, and having at our request made us pray at the church of Saint Demetrios, they separated us all from one another, after we had first made a prayer and embraced one another. The two of us brothers they led up to the place in which I now am and parted us, as we kissed one another with flowing tears, so that some even of the onlookers were stirred by the fellow-feeling. So things stand with us, O father; and now I, the lowly one, am here, dragging out a life of pain and many groans. The blessings from your holy hand we received as having the power of the Holy Trinity; and we keep them as a phylactery [protective amulet], and placing them upon our eyes, as though kissing your right hand. Again tears, again my inward parts are turned about; for I wish to bring my account to an end. O father, why have you forsaken me? But you have not forsaken me. How have you been removed far from me? But you are within me. Where shall I yet behold you? How shall I see you? Where shall I hear your most sweet and saving voice? When shall I become your table-companion? Where shall I enjoy your holy company, or ever read aloud in your ears? Or sing before your face? Or be brought to sobriety? Or be rebuked? Or be admonished? Keeping toward you a state without your friendship: feasting, food, drink, conversation, standing, sitting, reclining. What has befallen me? I call men as witnesses, I call also the heavenly powers as my advocates, that the law of God has separated you from me, one eternal commandment. Let all that is under heaven hear. For this reason I rejoice and send forth a voice of praise to God, I have all things to overflowing, I exult, I shall no longer be orphaned, I shall not mourn nor utter anything ignoble. But receive also the things written above, father, as pure; for they are tokens of my longing for you, except that I shall yet weep, but in a manner that may be well received. But you, O thrice-blessed father, rejoice and be glad. The prizes have been woven for you, the place of rest has been prepared. Your zeal is after the manner of your fathers, your confinement proclaims the truth. The righteous one has been bound as one useless, those who are in piety are thankful, those of like zeal are made more fervent, having beheld a most beautiful beginning. Those who persecute weave words from without and revile, and most of all such of them as are monks, but within they are buffeted in their thoughts and have their own conscience as a bitter accuser. For indeed they also marvel; for even enemies know how to admire a man's virtue, as the great Gregory [Gregory of Nazianzus] says, when, the passion having ceased, the deed is judged on its own. Angels hymn you, men call you blessed, Christ has received you, he has opened to you the gates of the kingdom of heaven for ages; amen.