Letter 9.11

I would rather my letters were missed by you through my own death than through the misfortune by which I have been most gravely stricken. I would certainly bear it more moderately if I had you with me; for both your wise speech and your singular affection for me would give me much relief. But since I shall see you shortly, as I expect, you will find me in such a state that you can give me much help -- not that I am so broken as to have forgotten that I am a human being or to think I must succumb to fortune, but yet all that cheerfulness and sweetness of mine which delighted you above all others has been taken from me entirely. You will, however, recognize in me the same firmness and constancy, if I ever had any, that you left. As for your writing that you are fighting battles on my behalf, I am not so much concerned that any detractors of mine should be refuted by you, as I am desirous that it be understood, as it certainly is understood, that I am loved by you. Which I ask you again and again to do, and forgive the brevity of my letter; for I both expect us to be together shortly and am not yet sufficiently recovered for writing.

DLXXV (Fam. IX, 11) TO P. CORNELIUS DOLABELLA (IN SPAIN) (FICULEA, 20 APRIL) I HAD rather that even my own death had been the cause of your being without a letter from me than the misfortune which has so grievously afflicted me. I should have borne it at least with greater firmness if I had had you; for your wise conversation, no less than your marked affection for me, would have been a support. But since I am about, as I think, to see you before long, you shall find that though much broken I am yet in a state to receive great assistance from you; not that I am so crushed as to be unable to remember my manhood, or to think it right to give in to fortune. But in spite of that the old cheerfulness and gaiety, in which you took more delight than anybody else, have all been taken from me. Nevertheless, you will find in me the same fortitude and firmness — if I ever had these qualities — as you left. You say that you have to fight my battles: I don't so much care about my detractors being refuted by you, as I wish it to be known — as is plainly the case — that I retain your affection. I urge you repeatedly to let it be so, and to pardon the brevity of my letter; for in the first place I think I shall see you very shortly, and in the second place I have not yet sufficiently recovered my calmness for writing.

XI. Scr. Asturae mense Martio a.u.c. 709. CICERO DOLABELLAE S. Vel meo ipsius interitu mallem litteras meas desiderares quam eo casu, quo sum gravissime afflictus; quem ferrem certe moderatius, si te haberem; nam et oratio tua prudens et amor erga me singularis multum levaret; sed, quoniam brevi tempore, ut opinio nostra est, te sum visurus, ita me affectum offendes, ut multum a te possim iuvari, non quo ita sim fractus, ut aut hominem me esse oblitus sim aut fortunae succumbendum putem, sed tamen hilaritas illa nostra et suavitas, quae te praeter ceteros delectabat, erepta mihi omnis est; firmitatem tamen et constantiam, si modo fuit aliquando in nobis, eandem cognosces, quam reliquisti. Quod scribis proelia te mea causa sustinere, non tam id laboro, ut, si qui mihi obtrectent, a te refutentur, quam intelligi cupio, quod certe intelligitur, me a te amari. Quod ut facias, te etiam atque etiam rogo ignoscasque brevitati litterarum mearum; nam et celeriter una futuros nos arbitror et nondum sum satis confirmatus ad scribendum.